In The Beginning…Understanding Step 1

When I first got into the program, I was asked if I believed that my life was unmanageable and was I powerless over my disease. I thought about it for a long time and reviewed my life…Well let’s see, I had gotten to watching porn every free moment I had, I was cross-dressing and going to adult theaters to prostitute myself and I was doing dangerous drugs to intensify the high. Nah, I wasn’t powerless nor was my life unmanageable. Doesn’t every red-blooded male act out this way? I couldn’t believe how far down the scale of sanity I had gone. I was totally insane. I truly thought that dressing up as a woman was my future. I thought that becoming a prostitute was my calling and that having anonymous sex in the theater was to be my livelihood.

Where was my reality…? How rational was my thinking? My life had truly become unmanageable and I had no way of stopping myself from acting out. This was when I admitted that I was powerless over my sex addiction and my life had become unmanageable. I had bills to pay, a room to clean, clients to do work for and all my mind could process was,”…where was my next high coming from? Fortunately for me, I hadn’t lost my job, I didn’t lose my marriage or contract any STD’s or worse yet, AIDS.

God had saw to it that I was to have a breakthrough emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically and demanded that I start taking care of myself. Additionally, I was to spread the word of God and share with others the miracles that had kept me alive; all by His grace. Today, I understand that I’m only a second away from being brought back to the insanity if I’m not vigilant and keep my spiritual condition intact. My God, of my understanding, which has all power, wisdom, and guidance to keep me free from my insanity, one blessed moment at a time. And for His grace, I humbly pay for His love with actions that support the next addict, one addict at a time. Thank you, Papa

3 thoughts on “In The Beginning…Understanding Step 1

  1. Step One, the power of sharing step one was life changing for me. One only gets to do a first step…for a first time once. I will never forget mine, in a nursery room at a local church. I had my crisp new copy of Gentle Path. I answered all the questions, did all the little charts and lists. I totally got my life was unmanageable, had no problem with that concept. The Powerless part has taken a bit longer for me to get. What I have come to know is I can admit my powerlessness without it feeling like being victimized yet again. Honesty is the principle behind step one. Man was I rigorously honest with my first step presentation but I was not connected to it. I was terrified, I was ashamed, I was angry… I was a lot of feelings that I used acting out to stuff down.

    That was almost five years ago, since then I have shared my story a number of times, and my story is different than my first step… my first step is the “what it was like” and part of “what happened” but not quite, “what it is like now”.

    Now, now my life is manageable, of course I still struggle with taking my will and believing I have the power to do this alone. I don’t. SAA has brought me peace, it has brought me intimacy like I have never know before. Friendships more true and real than ever before and my relationship with my higher power restored. That very important connection re-established. SAA is a real simple program… but no one will promise that it will be easy.

    I remember a high chair for a doll that was in the back of the room that brought me to tears one night mourning the loss of my own childhood. The first step is exactly that the first thing to do to shed insanity and welcome peace. Not an easy thing for this addict. Insanity is fun, right?

  2. The first step that lead to my first step was coming down to treatment after the most dangerous and severe form of acting out for me yet. So I left everything behind including my job, my friends, and my pregnant wife. We knew that I had to do something severe to get a grip on this disease that was destroying my life. My taboo sexual fantasies were actually starting to come to fruition and if I did not seek help quickly I would soon end up divorced, childless, and probably dead! Treatment was good for me but I owe much of my early recovery to the fellowship of SAA. People who actually understood me. People who have done the same things that I have done. People who did not shudder when hearing the despicable events of my life. It was people like this that I was willing to open up to and share my first step. My first step came on a Saturday morning, the same meeting that I was first introduced to SAA. I was nervous but more than that I was ready! I kept hearing how the steps were such a crucila part to my recovery and was earnest to get the first one out of the way. As I finished me share and recieved feedback from the group I felt good. I felt understood, loved, accepted. Things that I never though I would feel if I shared what I shared that morning. Now as I continue my recovery I am constantly elated as I hear the stories of others. Theses people are like me!!!! Thank God for SAA

  3. I am in preparation for delivering my story next week. After I initially wrote down the bullet point and then went back over it to flesh out the story – I found myself very angry …. 1- at myself, 2-at my parents – where I feel this whole dynamic started my challenges and brought me to the edge of madness. I eventually after working on the story for about the third time had to put it down. I was so visibly upset that I couldn’t carry a coherent thought. Talk about mood swings. Zero to One Hundred and then back to negative numbers. One week after finalizing it, I feel better about the story – trying to learn from it, to put down some of that baggage I’d been carrying around for 40+ years. I finally had my spouse tell me that to do that you have to put them down one at a time. It would too easy to drop them all. I did understand what was being said…. but I asked, how?
    I presume that is where the 12 steps come in – along with support from all sides.

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