I Admitted I’m A Sex Addict…What’s Next?

So you want recovery, what’s next? That’s a very good question. When I first got into recovery some three and a half years ago my first sponsor told me I’d have to work the steps. What I heard was, “I have to do work.” I just admitted I was an addict, wasn’t that work enough. The thought of having to commit to a program, call my sponsor every day and now do the steps all seemed to be more than I could handle. Besides, I hadn’t finished much of anything worth while in ages. It seemed that I left projects unfinished all over the place or made promises to complete things that stayed undone. What I hadn’t counted on was for the first time in my adult life a power greater than myself was helping me with everything. I was able to commit to my sponsor and call him every day, I had a desire, deep in my gut, to commit to a program and, lastly, I longed to start a new phase of my life by completing the steps. Soon this “work” was not work at all but rather gratitude for the miracles I was receiving from all my new activities. I was starting to build a life. So I can say with complete conviction that working a program and working the steps, soon made a dramatic improvement in my life, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically. Today I am the man I am because of my commitment to a program of recovery and the 12 steps.

21 thoughts on “I Admitted I’m A Sex Addict…What’s Next?

  1. The miracle of the program is the new life that I am building through recovery. But I have to work the program, and that means working the steps. It’s not enough for me just to come to meetings and even getting and calling a sponsor every day is not enough. SAA is a twelve step program and the miracle of personal growth and change comes from working the steps.

  2. I have to get serious about working the steps. Coming to meetings and talking to my sponsor are great ways of having a support group and easy to do. Sitting down with my thoughts and writing them out takes time and effort. It’s also writing my rules and regulations of how I should act. To promise to act like a decent human being and not lie to myself. It’s much easier to lie to my thoughts than lie to my thoughts that are in writing. God forbid I actually had to read my promises everyday and had to follow them.

  3. “Hi, I am Ally and I am a sex addict.” Some days it really really hurts to say those words out loud. But truth often hurts me when I am in my active addiction. Men, sex, food, booze, drugs it really does not matter if I cannot deal with my present reality I will use those things to numb out.

    Sex however is my PRIMARY addiction. It has been the most progressive and the most destructive of my addictions. “I am a sex addict, now what?” Now I just keep showing up. Recovery has been rocky to say the least, my addict does not want to let go of the death grip it has me in and I keep going back out there, what do they call it? “research and development”

    So, now what? Now I keep showing up, I keep picking up white chips and I keep trudging and clawing my way towards recovery, to that coveted 30 day red chip, a brother in recovery is keeping warm and ready for me.
    For me right now my entire existence in recovery is just showing up. Withdrawl is easing up on me just a bit but it is only through my action of just showing up, right now I need to make sure I stay in the rooms and use the phone. I have started the steps, but as I said, my addict really needs me to know how powerless I am. So for now I remain entrenched in step one just showing up, because now I KNOW “I am Ally and I am a sex addict.

  4. What’s Next – Recovery, that’s what’s next. But it is only next if I continue to do the work that I need to do. And part of that work is writing in this blog when I need to write in this blog. I am here today because I have been willing and because I have followed suggestions. That does not mean that I have not slipped and made mistakes. I have. But I have always kept right on going. As Nat King Cole says “Pick Yourself Up, Dust Yourself Off, and Start All Over Again.” We’ll I don’t actually have to start all over again, but I think you get the idea. I just keep moving in the right direction and recovery will be next. It will be future, it will be present and it will become my past, my new past.

  5. So what is next? Recovery! So what is Recovery? Coming to the rooms; listening and sharing; getting a sponsor and starting on the 12 steps, talking to my therapist to learn about sex addiction and how I came to be one; getting in touch with my feelings and writing them down in a journal; meditating two times a day which is helping me sort out the feelings, and the evolution of my addiction and the secret life. These are the concrete tools, the means and methods of Recovery for me. Someday, hopefully (and I am hopeful when doing the work) I might be able to actually explain Recovery itself. What does it actually feel like? I need to be patient, work the program and have faith that it will come.

  6. Sex addict, yes I am. Now what?

    Right now I have been sober for 18 days. Grieving. I have lost my friend, the addict. He was always there for me. I could especially use him right now to escape the feeling I am having. Its taken me a lot of time this morning to identify what exactly the feeling is. The best I can come up with, with the help of those in the fellowship surrounding and supporting me, is that I am grieving. I am really just missing what was once the only sure thing I had, my addiction and the soothing and relief it brought me when my feelings felt too much.

    So I am told, the steps are the next thing…..the “now what”.

    Surrender. I started today not knowing where I was. Does it really matter? Not with my higher power there to guide me.

    So now I turn it over for God to solve. It’s his to solve and me to listen to the instruction and advice he will give me through the people I have around me in program. He has begun to do this. It’s not easy. Now that I am an admitted addict AND turned it over to the big man, I am opening up to those who are there to help. I am opening up my ears and my heart. That’s what is now.

  7. I admitted I’m a Sex Addict, What’s Next? A new life!!!! That’s what’s next. As a result of realizing that I am a sex addict, coming into this program and working the steps, I have a life beyond my wildest dreams. I came from a place of fear, resentments, shame, self-hatred and isolation. Today I have confidence, I like myself, I know who I am and am not afraid to tell anyone, I am ok with being alone, yet I know that I am never alone, and I know that whatever is supposed to happen will happen as long as do the next right thing and work as hard as I can.

  8. How many times have you heard that if you begin this business or follow this plan that you will be rich? I have bought some of these plans and after reading a few pages found out that you can make money, but it takes work, time, and commitment. Recovery is the same way. I got Out of the Shadows and read maybe chapter one and declared myself recovered. First lie! I faithfully attended a meeting every week and said that I am working my program. Second lie! I did almost four years of recovery of not going on the Internet sites that were poison to me, yet I objectified every attractive woman I saw until I did fall back into time wasting on the net. Third lie! My mother said that when I kept doing things that I was sorry for that I was always sorry when the damage is done. I’m tired of being sorry. Just for today, I say my name is John and I am a sex addict and have all the defects of being one. I commit to daily work on myself through my program.

    thanks for reading,

    God love you.

  9. I am a sex addict. So what is next?

    I have found a sponsor, and committed myself to calling him at least once a day. The work he gives me to do, I will work on promptly and to the best of my ability.

    I also seek the advice and care of my therapist and other professionals.

    In order to stay in touch with my recovery, I read Answers in the Heart on a daily basis. So that I may understand my addiction and my behavior better, I am reading Out of the Shadows.

    I have committed to begin the twelve steps, and will complete the A Gentle Path workbook very shortly. I am looking forward to giving my first step. I’m taking my first step one year after I admitted to being a sex addict.

    God help me.

  10. Point A = The person I used to be.

    Point B = The person I want to be.

    What’s the best way to get from Point A to Point B? I don’t have a clue. But I DO have a program, set up with people much more experienced and knowledgeable than me about the path to follow.

    Recognizing and admitting who I was at Point A and admitting that my life was out of control was the First Step. The Second Step is to let my H.P. guide me to do the rest. He has started by introducing me to my teachers and sponsor. What happens next is up to Him, and how strong I am at accepting and putting into practice the help so freely offered. I believe and pray it will work.

  11. 26 days ago, I admitted I’m a sex addict. Today, a spiritual friend and mentor told me he and his wife were moving to LA on Friday. I don’t know how to deal with loss, but out of the blue, someone from SAA called to say hi. I feel open and vulnerable in a new way.
    I went to a meeting and we read the first step. It feels strange to hear myself speak. I started the first question of the first step tonight and all of a sudden, felt the urge to act out. I have a new inventory sheet to help me and I need to sleep. I’m so grateful for the new people I’m meeting. I have a temporary sponsor and the will to say thank you before I fall asleep. That’s what’s next for me and to take it-one day at a time. Thanks for reading.

  12. I admitted I am a sex addict, what’s next – admitting that I am not perfect. I have been pretending that I am perfect for these past few months because I did not want anyone to think that there was anything wrong with me or that I was struggling with anything. But I could see that my life was slowly becoming unmanageable and that my thoughts were becoming obsessive. And it led me to acting out. Of course, that is where it always leads me. So I knew what I had to do. I had to let go of the image I was trying to portray and just be me. Just let people see me for who I am and take care of myself and my recovery. That is what is most important, first things first. If I can take care of myself, then I can also be of service to others. So it felt good to be at this point because I feel refreshed and able to talk about what is going on and not afraid to put on an image. So what’s next for me is working my program to the best of my ability one day at a time and realizing that I am a human and that I am not perfect.

    • Accepting that I am a sex addict is what is next for me. I have viewed my addiction as my enemy, which I’ve attempted to kill through self will. But self can’t overcome self.

      Accepting my condition as a teacher instead of a curse. Accepting my condition as a means to spiritual, emotional, and relational growth instead of something that I have to rid myself of. Accepting that my disease is more powerful than me and that I need my HP, sponsor, program peers, family, friends, and outside help. Being grateful that I am a sex addict with a solution rather than hating my condition. Being in a state of surrender rather than in a state of war. Acceptance is next.

  13. “I admitted I’m a Sex Addict…” I believe I had a wrong thinking of this initially. I believed that there was an automated process; that after stating so I would automatically be converted into the new lifestyle absent of compulsive behaviors. It isn’t until now that I am realizing that stating “I’m a Sex Addict” was only the announcement of a possible war. Surrendering my will & accepting help was, & still is, the treacherous war itself!!! Admitting that I am a sex addict was very important & I don’t believe the war would ever have begun without doing so but it is entirely different than the battle of surrendering my will & accepting help. This is what is next for me. A totally different lifestyle, a life I have never known!!!

  14. For me, I first had to “really and truly” admit I was a sex addict. It took 2 attempts at recovery, working the Steps twice, going “back out” multiple times and my addiction finally beating the “bullshit” out of me that I was able to not just admit with my mouth and understand in my brain that I was a sex addict, but know with all of my being, out of experience, that my addiction was more powerful than my will to stop. Only then was I able to come into the rooms of sexual addiction recovery with the desparation and humility needed to work this program of recovery with rigorous honesty and complete commitment.

    And, that is what was next for me…working the full program of recovery. I reconnected with my sponsor and followed his directions of immediately beginning to work the Steps again and attending at least 3 meetings a week (I decided on 4 a week with a 5th whenever I was having a difficult time in the beginning). I quickly found out what meetings worked for me and who the men where in the fellowship that had the kind of recovery I wanted. I began the process of making friends in the meetings and making many phone calls a day. As well, after a period of just listening in meetings I began to participate through sharing whenever I felt I had something to say based on my experience. I then decided to become more involved and volunteered to chair one of my meetings for an upcoming month.

    As I make my way through the Steps for a third time I am learning new things with every step taken. The 2nd Step was of particular dificulty (and importance) for me this time. I had to face that whatever God, or idea of God, I had in my heart and mind simply was not working for me. My sponsor meticulously walked me through a process to unlock the negative and erroneous beliefs about God I was still carrying around from my past. This process enabled me to “come to believe” in a God to whom I could fully give my life and will in a 3rd Step, a God that I could trust to uphold me as I did the difficult and painful work of the 4th and 5th Steps. From there I was able to thoughtfully and thouroughly work through Steps 6 and 7 and go on to Steps 8 and 9 which is where I am at present. I will soon begin working steps 9, 10, 11 and 12 on a daily basis. I will also soon begin to serve others through sponsorship which I am really looking forward to.

    My addiction advanced with such momentum this last time “out”. It not only took me to places and behaviors I never thought possible, it took me there against my will. I don’t have any reasonable expectation that if I go back out I will ever make it back to recovery again. This realization has enabled me to focus on my recovery with a commitment and fervor I’ve never had before. I have kept distractions to a minimum, knowing I must recover or else disappear into the dark world of my addiction for the last time.

    For me, progressing daily in recovery, working the steps with my sponsor and continuing to build intimate, loving and honest friendships with other recovering men in my fellowship is, day by day, removing my fear of relapsing into the darkness and pain of my addiction. Instead, I am looking forward to a life of love, service and authenticity…that is becoming my “What’s Next”.

  15. What’s next? Well 2 years ago, I had no idea. It has been a journey of self discovery. A journey of uncharted territory. A journey, where I’ve had to step of the cliff out of blind faith that there was something better on the other side. My higher power gave me the Gift Of Desperation (GOD). This Gift of Desparation (GOD) was the catalyst to my program. It provided the fire in my heart to work the steps.

    There is a scene in the movie “Peaceful Warrior”. In this scene a student and a teacher have arrived at the destination of a journey. The student had all these high expectations of what he would find at the destination. When they arrive at the destination the Teacher tells the student that the rock on the floor is the reason for the journey. At first the student is upset, angry, and resentful. And then the student realizes something. Its not the destination that makes us happy, its the journey.

    This scene that I watched before I knew I was an addict is a representation of my experience in recovery. I “the student” am still angry, resentful, and frustrated. I have not had the spiritual awakening that makes me say “its the journey that makes us happy.” I am still angry at the stupid rock…

  16. I finally read my “first step”. When I add up the time that I’ve been attending SLAA or SAA meetings it comes to almost 2 years. Typical of my addiction, I wanted to get well, but didn’t want to go through the pain of having to revisit my past and then regurgitate it. Last night I did it and you know what…it was one of the best things I’ve ever done. I needed to do it and while it was hard, I feel like a huge weight has been off me. But more than that – I know that I actually grew tremendously from the whole process. I only wish I had done this long ago. I’m so grateful to God, to my sponsor, and to the guys in the group. Never have I felt such love and acceptance. Frankly – I was overwhelmed by it. And thanks to my sponsor who showed so much wisdom by always being patient with me, but knowing when I needed a kick in the rear to get me going. I’ve got 11 steps to go, but I’m completely sold on the program. I know that each step will be difficult in its own way – some a bit easier for me – and some maybe harder – I hope not! But I feel so empowered. I know that if I can do this, I can do whatever work is required to heal. Yes…I will always be an addict, but I hope and expect to be an addict that can say – yes – if you are willing to do whatever it takes – you will experience the promises yourself – in a very real way. Thank you again to God, to my sponsor, to the great friends and brothers that I now have, and to all those who come to the rooms and keep coming back. All of you are my inspiration and my strength. Keep coming back!

  17. I feel fortunate that I have tools…
    a group / class to attend
    this website
    reading material
    a committed and awesome sponsor.
    But I still struggle contacting my sponsor. I am not 100% reading as much as I should. Mind you, I haven’t been acting out. I wonder if I’m trying to tell myself I’m not an addict. But deep down I know I am. Sometimes I wonder if I’m not acting out because I have a loving GF.
    I’m going to recommit myself to starting tonight. That’s why I got online to this website. Because I know deep down I want to act out, even if I’m not.

  18. I discover every day that everything happens for a reason. I felt the need to come to rm this morning I needed a meeting and what did I find the perfect post that I needed to read and share on. Last night on y online meeting I had a revelation that t first I felt overwhelmed and daunted with the task of starting my recovery. Everything I had to do journal, history, rm, call my sponsor. It all seemed so much for when I was in my addiction state I was also the king of procrastination. I was worried that I wouldn’t complete all my tasks I worried with my business I wouldn’t have the time but what happened was even more amazing I did the work and it wasn’t work it wasn’t a chore me the more I do of all the things I need to do in recovery the more I want to do. My wife and I discussed that I have never been truly passionate about anything in my life I have enjoyed or thought I enjoyed my jobs and life etc but the reality was there was no passion there. Until now the passion for my recovery is immeasurable and I realize that that passion is a passion for me for Brian to stay healthy and for Brian to learn to love Brian. I remember that every day I worked on my addiction and I had no problem with that. It was my world I believed but now I see I was working on killing myself every day I worked on coming closer to death. Now I work on living my life and loving my life and staying healthy. I reach into my toolbox every day and use all of the tools to stay in my recovery and every day I add a tool to my box. I never forget my toolbox anywhere because I know I carry it in my heart where ther is love and God to help me and guide me every day. Thank you father for your love and guidance on my journey

  19. the revelation that I was a sex addict hit hard but what hit harder was the daunting task of recovery,it seemed so ominous that I immediately doubted my ability to work it . As I work the steps there has been progress spiritually and with my life’s events . As I stay grounded in the work the wasted time on past behaviors goes away new better beliefs replace them . Is it work yes and no because as the progress is made and the desire to recovery and live a better life grows it no longer becomes work . I feel like working because it’s therapy for my mind and as I become more spiritual with the God of my understanding I am compelled more by the giving and my selfish needs begin to die off .thank god and I can’t wait for what’s next

  20. I have admitted that I am a sex addict. I made amends to my spouse. As the original thread mentions, as well within the meeting, I have to work the program, relentlessly. Just as the sex addiction is relentless, I too am relentless.

    Unfortunately, my willpower is still low. My self-esteem is almost nil. I just want to get better. Have my life return to normalcy. I fear that my willpower is failing.

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