Alone Time

When I used to think about the word, “relaxing” I would think of something that “normal” people do. Not me I’m to busy acting out to relax. The best way to describe it is like this, “I would need a vacation from the vacation I just took, then a few extra days to get back to normal.” That is how I spelled relax. There was never enough time, I was always playing catch up, catch up with time, activities or responsibilities. Ahhhhhhhhhh then comes recovery and with recovery comes a life. I started doing outer circle behaviors, reading for fun, playing with the dogs, writing a blog…all these activities gave me time with myself who I started to learn wasn’t a bad person at all to hang around with. Don’t get me wrong, it took a little time getting used to being by myself, but as time rolled on I started to really enjoy the time I spent with myself for myself. I call this “my alone time.”
Funny thing, my wife has her own alone time too. We appreciate this about each other and respect each others’ alone time. I also know that when my wife is in her alone time she is not rejecting me, on the contrary, my ability to let her have her alone time allows her time to grow as well. Alone time and relaxing are important parts of recovery that sometimes go by unnoticed. I’m here to say that it’s a perfect part of my day when I can unwind, relax and grow. Hip, Hip, Hooray for relaxing and alone time, make it a part of your day, today.

15 thoughts on “Alone Time

  1. Alone time, that is an area I am not ready for yet. Alone time meant secrets and acting out. I do relax just not alone yet, I enjoy writing when the boys are at swim practice. I love taking them to the ocean, they get to conquer the waves and I get to experience the joy of their childhood. Being a mother and a sex addict is quite a paradox, often the self questioning comes up, “how can I be a good mother and a sex addict at the same time?” Well, it is exhausting trying to make all the right and healthy choices as a family and still make time and energy to act out, insanity. So for me I am taking babysteps in being alone, maybe go to the bedroom a little earlier to write before bed. Take the beach way home instead of the quick way. Some days just sneak out to the backyard under the mango tree. I look forward to the day I not only enjoy my own company but trust myself to be alone.

  2. Alone time…before….sex sites, acting out and self loathing

    Alone time…after…reading, sleeping, and recharging my batteries

    Life after the program is night and day to before. I spent the first 6 months of my program resisting alone time, it wasn’t until recently that I have been able to enjoy my alone time and even now I have anxieties at times. This acceptance comes at different speeds to each one of us, but when you can trust yourself, others will start to trust you. If you can’t trust yourself, how do you expect anyone else to trust you? I feel like my life is starting over and I am learning how to live a whole new way.

    • Yes, yes, yes.
      Yes, yes, yes.

      I agree that self-care is an important part of the 12 step model. If I don’t take of myself then I can’t get better.

      I just have a huge problem with patience. It is not a virtue of mine.

  3. Today I spend a lot of time alone. Looking back into my addiction, I spent a lot of time alone. There is one huge difference however. In my addiction, when I was alone I was isolating from the world, numbing out and not taking care of myself. Today when I am alone I am taking care of myself, I am working on projects that are important to me, I am relaxing at home or I am focused on my tasks at hand. The point is that I am spending quality time alone today as opposed to unhealthy time isolating. Just a week ago I had a choice to go out with a “friend” that I felt was not treating me well. I made a decision to stay home and spend time alone working on some things and then relaxing by myself. For me it was a decision to take care of myself over putting myself into a situation where I would not feel good about myself just for the sake of being with another person. Today I can make that choice and I am ok being alone. I know that the strength that I am getting from this program and from this alone time is only going to help me down the road as I do go out and find healthier relationships and friendships which are one of the benefits of this program. But for now, I am happy to spend quality alone time and for that I am grateful.

  4. Alone time for me is not really alone. That’s because when I am by myself, I am either talking to my higher power or I’m expressing wonder at his creations. Today I saw the most magnificent sunrise and simply said “God, you are a magnificent painter with the sky as your canvas.” I have a sign by my computer now which aids me in my recovery. It simply defines integrity which is doing the right thing when no one is watching. I know I am always being watched, but I do the right thing for its own sake.

    Thanks for reading,

    God love you.

  5. Alone time is not something I am completely comfortable with yet. Obviously alone time = acting out for me. And sadly I manipulated as much as I could to have alone time. I usually lied, or deceived to get my alone time. Now I am spending most of my “alone” time with my daughter & wife. I choose not to be alone, and enjoy it very much. However, I also know there will be a time for me to learn how to be alone, and not # it with acting out. I am getting much better at this b/c I am connected with my higher power. I used to feel awkward when I was alone, if I wasn’t acting out. Now I am learning something completely new…. how to enjoy quiet time, how to be ok talking with my higher power. I am learning how to not be ashamed of the sound of my voice when I speak out loud to my higher power. This has been a revelation, and feels good. My voice does not sound as awkward as I thought it did. I also know that God / higher power is happy that I am communicating with him…. Alone is getting better!!!

  6. Like everyone who has contributed here, alone time for me resulted in acting out. Now I realize that what I used to consider alone time really was no such thing. I was not alone. I was caught in an unhealthy relationship with my addict.

    My addict took control of my alone time, and I was never able to determine what I myself would like to do. I like to play the guitar, to teach my children martial arts, and to exercise and stay in shape. My addict likes pornography and prostitutes. Whenever I found myself alone, more often than not, I ended up doing what my addict wanted to do, not what I would have done were I able to think clearly. In fact, I found my desire to do the things I liked did not exist, only acting out existed.

    This bothered me. I knew I loved those things and wanted in my heart to do them, but I could not pull myself out of the fantasy world of addiction, so I let those things slide and fall away from me.

    In working through recovery, I see that these exercises are about separating the real me from my addict, recognizing the difference and putting the power and the decision making back into the hands of the real me.

    Now I can truly have alone time and do the things I like to do rather than the things my addict forces me to do.

    It is nice to know that the real me does in fact exist, and not everything about my life has been a lie. Through recovery I can find myself, trust myself to be alone, and do constructive things for myself and others.

  7. Alone time. I don’t see much of that these days. At work it’s usually busy, assistant around most of the time. Home always around my partner. I dream of alone time – always thinking that it may result in some wonderful positive work or action. In fact, it appears at this time, that alone for me gives me time for substitute addictions! Not making secret phone calls, or planning sexual encounters, or fantasizing; but now playing hearts or solitaire on the computer!

    Seems harmless enough, but it is a substitute for positive behavior – another means of medicating, another distraction from dealing with feelings, beliefs and emotions. It was a revelation for me when I told my sponsor and he responded that it was a substitute addiction. It may be more acceotable than sexual acting out, but it shows that the addict is still there, performing his confusing illusions.

    Is there no bottom to the addict’s bag of tricks? I am grateful that these more subtle diversions still show me how far I have to go, and how vigilent I must remain.

    I pray to my H.P. that He shows me how to substitute POSITIVE behavior as a path to a more useful and satisfying life.

  8. Alone Time – This is a tough one tonight. And I sought this one out. Because right now I am sick and tired of spending so much time alone. I don’t know that it is that I feel lonely. It’s not like that loneliness that I used to feel when I was in my addiction and I would isolate. I think it is just that I want more. I want to socialize and interact with people. I want so much more out of my life and I am not getting it right now sitting here at my desk. And I am frustrated with what I am doing because I have this commitment that I thought would bring me together with more people and it has actually kept me tied to this desk alone. So it is not what I expected for me right now. I need to persevere because I know that it should change as I get closer to the goal that I am working towards. But right now I am feeling stressed about it. The good news is like I said, it is not that old feeling of loneliness, just a new feeling of wanting more and being frustrated that I don’t have it. I need to be patient. The other good news is that I am not acting out over it. Because these feelings that I have right now are the exact feelings that I would have before that would drive me to act out. They are feelings of being overwhelmed and wanting to throw in the towel and numb myself out. I could so easily do that right now. But where would that get me – no where. I do not want to let that happen with this. I want to stick with this because I believe that good things will come of it. And I do not want to act out because I know that bad things will come of that. So I need to go to bed and begin again tomorrow continuing to work my program and taking care of myself and turning it all over to my Higher Power.

  9. I spend alot of time alone but most of the time I am not isolating. For there is a big difference. In my addiction, ALL of my alone time was isolating. I was isolating with sex, or with drugs, or with acting out partners. Or I would isolate with T.V. or with food. anything to take me away from me and reality and my friends and family. Today I don’t have to do that. However, I do spend a great deal of time by myself – alone. The difference is I am engaged, active, spiritual and I am not separate from my friends and family. I just happen to be alone at the time doing my thing. Today I can appreciate my aloneness and be happy for what I have and look forward to other times when I may have others around me,but or now be happy with me as me, alone and working on my sobriety.

  10. “Alone time”…I think for an addict alone time can be scary. I’m in a place where I don’t really like alone time. But on the bright side, I have realized the true “alone time” that one encounters when working the program. It’s the alone time that creates the environment when you feel pain, it’s the alone time where you get to know who you really are. The outer circle behaviors & doing life with others really serve as “alone time”. It begins a new way of knowing myself. A new Reggie. I guess when your spirits are not as high…the term “alone time” can seem frightening!

  11. Before recovery, alone time meant wasting endless hours on T.V., porn, fantasy, depression, sleeping, etc.. When I got into recovery, I was scared to be alone. I filled my day with meetings, work, phone calls, school, step work, etc.. Anything that would keep me from having to be with myself. After walking the road to recovery, I’ve gradually eased into what our literature calls solitude. I enjoy journaling, working on step work, reading, and other outer circle behaviours in solitude. Today, I could go home and have some quiet time. I am no longer uncomfortable being with myself. The anxiety, loneliness, and depression has been replaced by with serenity, solitude, and joy.

  12. In my addiction, I would seek alone time so I could peruse online posts, check email, text & sext women, masturbate and look at erotica.

    Now in recovery, I’m using alone time to read the bible, read a devotion, read to dig deeper into my recover, pray to my Lord God Almighty, work on committing to memory the 12 step prayers (still a work in progress), and seek out inspirational quotes on Pinterest. And yes, to write on Recovery Monologue. 🙂

    At the onset of my Recovery, I was afraid of alone time. Alone time made me feel anxious, lonely, and thoughts of my sexual addiction. Now that I’m further into Recovery, I’m finding that I see being alone as “Solitude”. I see it as an opportunity. It’s an opportunity to get closer to God. An opportunity to dig deeper. An opportunity to do outer circle activities I can do alone.

    I thank God for; Recovery, for my Sponsor, for my girlfriend who sought out help for me (led me to recovery), and for time to be alone so I can seek him and find his will. God, I give myself to you, to build with me and do with me as you wish. Reieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do your will. Provide victory over my difficulties, that it may be a witness to others I may help of your power, your love and your way of life. May I do your will always.

  13. Alone time is a struggle for me. When I was acting out I wanted to be single to indulge my every fantasy and whim just do what I wanted and answer to no one. Now today in recovery I realize I don’t want to be alone I don’t want my wife to leave but she is going to. I know that the only chance we have is for her to move and me to focus on my recovery. I pray every day that we will end up together but it is out of my hands. I have to turn it over to my father. I must be ok on my own to do my step work journal post on RM and continue in my r covert. I know I have a long road and I pray every day for strength from my father to help me. I will work, one day at a time and handle being alone. I know I have to and its part of learning to love myself and stay in recovery.

  14. Alone time is something i had never been very comfortable with ,i don’t like to be alone and i have said that statement thousands of times . I guess i never really thought about what i was saying when i said it . I was saying i can’t trust myself and that i will act out if left alone. I think i was also saying i don’t like this guy ,don’t leave me here with him . Recovery has given me help in this area ,i recognize when i am thinking or wondering into the inner circles .I try to stop the thoughts and i try to find different ways to fill that alone time with constructive outer circle behaviors .When i first came into recovery i had also a big break of time coming without work and i thought i would go crazy with all the alone time .but i adjusted, i started finding things to do that would improve who i am and not leed me to go to acting out thoughts ,this was hard and is still challenging ,if i am true to myself i will be able to see when i am not working my program when i’m alone .

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