A Journey

The one tool that has helped throughout my recovery has been undying perseverance to stick to my goal of “going to any length,” and as a fellow addict once said, “no matter what.” This commitment to myself is as real as the skin on my body. I can’t separate the two. Recovery is an action, a process that takes uncommon willpower to master. What I get in return is my life. Alive and kicking so grateful for just the beautiful sunrise I capture on a morning drive home from work. It’s coming upon the anniversary of my sobriety date which has caused me to reflect on the last year passed. What went well, what I still have to learn about, but mostly what shows up for me is the incredible love that I get from the rooms. It is shared unburdened and unselfishly each and every week. I love the rooms and can’t thank God enough for putting them in my life. My brothers and sisters who persevere each for a new day, just for this day, these twenty four hours. The strength that brims over the edges with each share that passes by my ears. The stories that shape the day when I reflect upon their origins. The ideals that have helped me change my life for God’s good. I’m not the same person I was a year ago, I’ve grown. My recovery has grown. The path I follow is not of my own doing, but a greater good for my fellows. I can’t thank God enough for the support and love I have shared that has made me a better man. To all of you on your own journey with God’s love and grace I wish you all safe passage to your new life.

16 thoughts on “A Journey

  1. I do not have the words to respond to that post but THANK YOU. And I will read that one many times over. THANK YOU for your service, your recovery is helping guide mine and you give me hope that recovery and living a life without this intense pain is not only possible but is what my Higher Power wants for me.

    • As the other post said – Thank You! This is what I need to do – persevere! Its been a tough weekend. The toughest in a while. Emotionally down – and consequently – thoughts of acting out. But the encouragement I received from my sponsor meeting Friday night, and simply my desire, determination, and need to beat this thing, is making me push on. I can’t speak for tomorrow but I know I’ve almost made it through this weekend – staying sober. But I know that this is a long hard road. I’ve just started working my 1st step and that means a long way to go. But perseverence = growth and growth = getting better and getting better = life. That’s it. Life. I have to beat this. I’ve done too much damage and lost too much to go back to the pit of this addiction. Its rough now but not even close to as rough as it will be if I don’t win this battle. And I’ve got hope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. If I don’t persevere through the difficulties then there will be no light. That I know.

    • Yes…here I go posting on this topic again – but the first lines are so applicable for me – persevering – and that means going to any length to achieve recovery. I screwed up this last week. Could have been way worse – but the bottom line is – I violated my “bottom line”. It was so natural and easy for me. Just like an addict shooting up, it felt good – for a moment. I felt empowered and masculine. I felt like I ruled the world – for a moment. And then the realization of what I had said/done hit me. Then the rationalization began to creep in and I thought – hey – it wasn’t that t bad. And I even considered for a few minutes not saying anything to my sponsor and not picking up a white chip. Why make a bigger deal out of this than it has to be. And then I got scared – really scared. Because I knew that my addict was talking. Like a devil sitting on my shoulder, my addict was telling me exactly what I wanted to believe. Yea…I’ve become an expert at justifying my actions – and it always starts out small – and seemingly minor. And having become so good at this – I knew exactly where this was going – if I wasn’t straight up with this. I tell the kids I teach – I’m not going to pull any punches with you – that won’t benefit you. So its time that I stop pulling punches with myself. So I knew I had to come out with it an not minimize it. For some it wouldn’t be a huge deal. It might be in their second circle – and for non – addicts – they’d laugh if I told them how shitty I felt about it. But this is about going to any lengths to achieve my recovery and beat this addiction. And that means calling a spade a spade. I acted out and I decided I’d be dammed before I didn’t say something. It meant starting over with a white chip – but that’s going to any length. It means that integrity and being a man of honor – inside and outside, are more important to me than maintaining appearances. Honestly – being real and transparent is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Its just become so un-natural for me. But going to any lengths means just that – even when my addict side is screaming to relax and shut up. It means continuing to reflect on my life and working my 1st step – in spite of how depressing and painful it can be. I’m working for that pay off – the pay off of recovery. Some days it doesn’t seem worth it – but again – that’s my addict speaking. I know what I have to do – and if that means feeling like shit for a while – then I’m on board. Now I may not feel this way when I wake up tomorrow – but I’ll tackle that feeling tomorrow. As my wife used to say – “its time to man up”. And for today – that is what I will do. And thank God for the rooms. Its in the rooms where I find much of the solace and strength to keep on this journey, and the faith to believe that if I persevere, I will be reciting those promises from personal experience. The rooms are largely what allow me to stay on this difficult and often painful path. God bless all of you guys – and girls.

    My journey today sucks. I am sober today, I am grateful today. I am in an intense amount of pain and just want to numb out. Life throws us all crap all of us I know that but I still think my crap is special. My mom was in the hospital for 11 days, we really did not know if she was going to make it, thank God she did but the stress was there. I have a special needs son one of his physical issues have reduced so much he does not meet the criteria for the “label”, but he still explodes. This is a good thing but it is still stressful. The younger son at only five years old has such intense feelings and emotions and I can’t help but feeling that I am just not giving him enough. My husband and family finances I can’t even begin to go into that one.

    So I am overwhelmed, I was hungry but just ate before I started typing, I am definitely angry. I feel lonely though surrounded by many loving people in and out of recovery, and I am tired. HALT so that is exactly what I did, I stopped. I ate something. I sent the boys outside to work off some of that energy that just sounds like noise to me and I came to the blog to write.

    How can I be so sad, and frustrated and overwhelmed and still maintain my sobriety, Hell if I know but I am going to go to my home group in about one hour and reach out and ask for help and probably cry. Definitely cry, I am crying now. I really can’t wait for the joy part of recovery to kick in because right now really really sucks…….

  3. It has been a while since I have read this post and it is truer today than it has ever been for me, this journey. As the poster says,

    “The ideals that have helped me change my life for God’s good. I’m not the same person I was a year ago,”

    I am so not the person I was a year ago I too am coming up on an anniversary October 29th but as far as sobriety not even a day. I am at a place where I don’t know how to define my sobriety. A year ago I was spending ungodly amounts of time online ignoring my husband and children, I was texting other men while I was in bed next to my husband. And sadly enough I was meeting strangers, this past year my relapses were with a VERY unhealthy and dysfunctional individual. When I finally broke from the addiction death grip of him the withdrawal was so overwhelming. Even though I was reaching to my sponsor to the people in the rooms to this blog. I chose to go back online and look for someone/something new. Which brings me to now, today I have a higher power I may not pray to Him every day or thank him every day but I know He is there for me and He does have a plan that I am a very special part of if I just stop, shut up, slow down and listen. I have a community of brothers in recovery and a handful of woman to turn to. My FAMILY, I love my family sometimes I feel so very caged but the beauty and the joy they bring me reminds me that, that cage I see is only my perception.

    Finally there are my friends both pre and post recovery. Growing up the way I did my friends became my family. I do still have a relationship with my family of origin but there is a certain element of trust that will NEVER be there. With my friends with just a few it is completely unconditional and I am utterly loyal as I would like to believe they are.

    So I come up on my one year anniversary of putting my broken soul into a chair in the rooms of SAA, is my soul “fixed” by no means, do I feel a safety and a comfort I have NEVER felt before, yes sometimes I get a glimpse of it. I don’t know what my future in SAA holds; my sponsor and other friends in recovery have a different idea of what my bottom lines should be right now but for now, for today I feel a peace, a happiness I feel how I think my GOD has always wanted me to feel.

  4. Recovery has truly been a journey for me. But getting here has also been a journey. I did not get here until I was 41. And although that is a long time, I know that it is what I needed to go through to get here. And I know that I needed to go through my experiences and my journey to make me what I am today so I do not regret it. Whatever I experienced has only made my recovery and spiritual condition stronger. But my journey continued into my recovery. It was not always up, up, up. Of course, if it was not up, it was because I was not working the program. My journey still was my journey, but my experiences became more difficult when I decided to take my will back. But that was what I needed to go through to get to my emotional bottom and really start working this program and start my real journey of recovery almost 2 years ago. From that point until today I feel that I can say that I have tried to go to any length. Yes, I have had slips, but I have picked myself up each time and moved on and today I have almost 7 months sobriety, the most I have ever had in this fellowship. And I will have 4 years sobriety in another fellowship in 2 weeks for which I am equally proud. And that is all the result of going to any length that I was told / suggested to go by my sponsor and others around me that new better than I did and I listened. And I prayed to my Higher Power. And today my journey continues to be one that just gets better and better one day at a time because as long as I do what I need to do on a daily basis my Higher Power will take care of the rest.

  5. My journey continues as I work my way through the steps. Every day is not going to be great. Some days are harder than others and some days I have more feelings than others. These past few days I am feeling a lot of different things as a result of working on my 8th and 9th step. But I know it is ok because I know that it is all part of the journey. I know that there is another side. I know that as I work through this step I will be better for it and I will feel better once I am finished. I am excited to be here at last in my journey. I am nervous about it but excited at the same time. I pray that I continue to have the courage to face each person that I need to face. So far I have been able to do what I need to do. And I have been able to because I have my Higher Power right by my side as my constant companion. He gives me strength and I am never alone anymore. What a great comfort. So I will continue this journey and see what it will take me. I trust today and I trust that it will take me to better places as long as I do what is suggested of me. So I plan to do just that.

  6. I am here in Tampa at a symposium for project management. I was here last year at this time for the same thing. As I was sitting here today I was thinking about how different it is this year for me being here. My life is so different today than it was last year at this time. Last year at this time I was still struggling with slips and white chips, I was still working in a crazy job, I was still very unhealthy and overweight, and I was not taking care of myself. Today I have over 8 months sobriety in this fellowship, I am not working which is not great but I am ok right now, and I have lost 165 lbs and am healthy and take care of myself every day. I look back over this past year at the journey that I have had and I feel blessed that my Higher Power has given me so much. My Higher Power has taken care of me through some rough times and I can always feel like everything is going to be ok. Because I know that it will as long as I do what I need to do. This journey has been amazing. Yes, there are times when I get lonely today. But I know that I have my Higher Power with me. And I also know that true friends are there down the road. I can feel it. Everything is happening exactly as it is supposed to happen. My journey has been my journey and I don’t regret anything that has happened to me because it has made me who I am today. As long as I learn from everything and use my experiences as tools to not go back I will be ok. And I pray every day for one more day of sobriety so that I do not have to go back. Because I want this journey to continue in the right direction, one day at a time.

  7. I heard once that the journey and the destination are the same. I never understood what that meant until I came into recovery. Now I get it. I am on a perpetual journey. A lot has happened to me along the way: some things happened to me as an addict and some as a person in recovery. Either way, everything that has happened has been for a reason and has taught me something and made me who I am today. It was all part of the journey. I am excited to continue on the journey. I don’t know where it will lead me. What I do know is that as long as I do what I need to do on a daily basis, my Higher Power will protect me and take care of me and continue to carry me along on this journey. But I need to do my part and my part is daily work which I sometimes get lax on. But I need to buckle down and keep it going because I like where my life is and where it is going and I do not want to go back.

  8. This journey I have embarked on will change my life, and I will never be the same again.

    Those are sobering thoughts, especially to an addict like myself. When I hear these words I experience fear. I know that this journey is about overcoming my sex addiction, but the addict fears never being able to act out again. How will I survive without the thing that has brought me so much comfort?

    Ahhh, once again the lie raises its ugly head. When I think about this journey, immediately the anxious thoughts about never being able to act out again jump into my mind. A knee jerk reaction, just like thoughts of acting out are brought on immediately by stress.

    As addicts our first impulse is to do everything to protect and preserve our secret little lives. Recovery seems so foreign a concept that it is almost inconceivable. The truth is that our addictions have isolated us from real life, real people, and real love. Addiction is foreign to all but the addict.

    The journey for me is about understanding the lie of addiction and the false sense of comfort it offers. Ultimately any addict who is discovered realizes immediately that their lives are full of chaos and pain, and they would love to be free of their addiction at that moment. We all have come to this realization at one time or another.

    As time goes by, the lie tries to sneak back in and convince you that you are not whole without the addictive behavior. However this is the addict trying to tempt us back into a life of misery, chaos, and acting out.

    This journey is a continual battle with my addict. A conversation between good and evil, dark and light, life and death. If I am truthful with myself this journey will lead me out of the shadows and into enlightenment.

    Addictive behavior stifles our souls trapping them in a place of past pains and fear. After all, that is why we developed these behaviors; to help cope with the pain and fear of life and escape the burden of our realities. Sobriety gives us the tools to shine a light into that darkness and not fear.

    So, I will walk through the darkness and take my journey in order to find true peace, happiness, and love.

  9. This has truly been a journey for me. It has had its ups and its downs. I have had a lot of pain along the way. I have had a lot of craziness, insanity, acting out, willfulness as well as recovery, serenity, sanity, you name it, I have experienced it and continue to experience it. I would not trade any of it because everything that I have experienced has led me to where I am today and to where I am going tomorrow and is all part of my journey. I learn from everything. And even though I have had some setbacks I can take that and help it to move me forward in my recovery. I have been blessed with a Higher Power that has taken care of me as long as I let Him. That is the key, I need to allow my Higher Power to take care of me and not try to take control myself. When I turn things over and live one day at a time it all works out. My journey in recovery started out slow and started out crazy but that is because I worked a half measured program. But once I got serious it has been nothing but an amazing journey. Thanks to my Higher Power and this program.

  10. At the end of the road are the promises. At the beginning of the road is the cataclysm that made me want to make the journey, no matter what, just to get away from the pain. And as I move along, I find the potholes. So many, many potholes. People potholes, character defect potholes, lack of faith potholes, and negative thinking potholes.

    Makes me wonder who’s in charge of this journey. Since I don’t have a clue, I hope that it’s my higher power, who has helped me get this far, flat tires and all. I hope and trust that He will continue, steering the car, hitting the gas and the brakes when necessary. I have to turn it over – it’s impossible to do alone. Thanks to H.P. and its helpers, the sponsors, the program, the fellowship.

  11. When I began to seek recovery, I had no CLUE what I was getting myself into. Nor did I have a CLUE that I was about to go on a life long Journey of self discovery. Initially I was set on finding the solution, so I could “Move on With my Life”. But I soon learned that the solution was “A Way of Life”. I have had to trudge towards a “Spiritual Way of Life” one day at a time. So far in this journey I have:

    -Discovered new friendships
    -Literally traveled to the other side of the country
    -Gained an awareness of my family of origin and myself
    -Begun to build a relationship with my HP
    -Begun to care for myself
    -Begun to accept myself
    -Begun to clear my side of the street

    What more will I find on this journey? Only time will tell.

  12. My journey. Yet again the perfect topic for today. I am on a physical journey these last few days and of course everyday is another step in my spiritual journey of recovery. It is amazing to me how calm and serene I am over the last few days traveling I have met so many people and there have been no obsessions no fantasies no triggers. My god is with me every step of the way and I have such strength in him my recovery works. I know that I can’t act out I can’t slip I must stay in recovery. To slip would kill me literally I know that. So I stay but I stay with resolve with commitment with strength all of which I get from my father. Last night while at a way station on my journey I felt so at peace I stood there for 3 hours and took in life. Then I knew that God had a sign for me so I looked around and there it was. An actual one way sign I knew immediately it was meant for me. God placed it there and I stared at it for three hours and when I finally saw it boom! One Way with God, One Way in my recovery and one way home! Thank you God for your blessings!

  13. This post was very special for me. It reminds me of where I am and where I am going. I know recovery takes time and I have the right mind set now to know it is not a short journey but a steady journey one day or one moment at a time. I relate my recovery now to my practice. I strive to learn at least one new thing each day and that is how is is in recovery. I am just at the beginning and I realize I can learn a lot from others such as my sponsor who has many years of recovery and my listening and learning from him helps me grow in my recovery. In the past I did good for 6 months and now I thought I fixed it. Those thoughts are gone forever and I know now it is a process that takes time and I will more along the journey with God’s help. I know that God is watching me and I pray to him every day and he will help me with this journey and my recovery

  14. The one tool that has helped throughout my recovery has been an underlying perseverance to stick to my goal of “going to any length no matter what.” This commitment to myself and other are as real as the skin on my body. I can’t separate the two. Recovery is a process that takes willpower to master. That I am for sure is the resolve that I have to make this all happen.

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