One of the most uncomfortable feelings we go through is that part called, WITHDRAWAL. If I wasn’t acting out what was I suppose to do instead? What was I to do? All I wanted to do was stop the pain and acting out was the only thing I knew how to do. But then comes abstinence…“the ability to abstain from inner circle, bottom line behaviors.” Of course I’m then left with a void in time. What am I to do? I didn’t understand what to do until my sponsor walked me through withdrawal. I had such cravings to act out.  I had physical aches and pains. I remember feelings of desperation and fear closing in around me. I had become irritable, filled with anger and sometimes had tantrums of rage all because of withdrawal.

My sponsor would just say, breathe, relax, take in the moment. Say the serenity
prayer over and over. I remember feeling that it wasn’t worth it. The pain is
just too great. The truth is, it is worth it, your worth it, I’m worth it and
feelings of desperation and pain shall pass. I kept repeating step number two,
“came to believe a power greater than myself would restore me to
sanity” and then I was told to turn it over to God and let my feelings go.
Let go and let God became my mantra. To this day I still remember those
desperate times in withdrawal, but what I remember most is how good I felt
after “they” left. You’re worth it, and so was I. Instead of dwelling on
the fact I wasn’t acting out I started learning new behaviors, calling my
brothers in recovery, reading step work, journaling, even spending more time
with the one I love. There is an answer to withdrawal; abstinence and beginning
a new life. Continue reading →

In Step Two we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Notice that it doesn’t say anyone or anything, it just says a power greater
than us. Well for the ego maniac addict that I was how could anyone other than me
have any power, so I thought? Then comes the magic. Some people say, “Fake
it till you make it.” I was told that the room could be my power greater
than myself. What I heard was God’s voice. It came in a dream for me. I knew
where my power greater than myself was coming from, there were no questions for
me. However, I know for some newcomers this idea of a higher power goes against
all their views. I say to them, “Give it a shot, fake it till you make it,
put your trust out there blindly just this once and I promise you you’ll
start to see a change in how you view things.” Even if you just pick the room to
be your higher power. We all start somewhere – that’s where the hope comes
from, from inside reaching out, let it shine.

When times go south or when real chaos hits the fan I have a tendency to isolate in my head and forget about the rest of the world. I just took a state exam for my job and
didn’t pass, close to it, but didn’t pass. My whole world came crashing down
around me. I’d studied for this test for close to nine months and then
disappointment. I wouldn’t have been so crushed if I didn’t need the exam to
keep my job, but I do. Right off the bat my addict kicked into gear and started
shouting, “you’re less than, you’re not worthy” and of course my
fragile mind starts to believe the lies being created. Herein lies the truth.
As long as I get out of my head and don’t listen to the negative self talk,
then my addict can’t swallow me whole. I know I’ll need a couple of days to
adjust to the reality of not passing, but it doesn’t mean I’m bad and wrong, it
only means I didn’t pass. So I’m reaching out, outside of myself where my
Higher Power is. My Higher Power has the guidance, wisdom and strength to pull
me through. I love you Papa