I had a companion inside me that was so powerful that I believed in him and did just about anything he told me. What he told me was different from everything else I was taught at home growing up or at church or school.
He told me I was special and that meant I could do whatever I wanted to do without consequences because of that. Others had to follow the rules, but not me. But I had to keep it a secret because all those other people out there would hurt me if they knew what I w as up to.
And what I wanted was SEX! Any way, any time, with whoever I could take advantage of, whatever I had to say or do. He told me it would be fun, that I was “entitled”, that why not – it wasn’t going to hurt me or anyone else – just a little fun! All guys were doing it!
And for the next 40 years, I did it. How could I not notice the pain I put myself and others through? Relationships one after another ending in disaster, incredible misery, night after night of one night stands. And still I believed! There was no doubt I was out of my mind, insane. Everyone saw it, knew – only I didn’t catch on.
Until the last catastrophe, pain I never felt before, threatening my life, my career, my guilt and shame exploding out of me. And another voice talked to me – a different, softer voice…”omigod! I am a sex addict! And the voice kept talking to me – thru all the pain and seemingly endless suffering. That voice gently guided me to a therapist, to 12 Steps, to a sponsor.
It’s been over 3 1/2 years of sobriety now, the salvation of a wonderful relationship, a new joy in working and living. When that voice speaks, no matter what other voices are screaming at you – listen to it. That’s your Higher Power, saving you, saving me, from ourselves. And a different life of wonder, clarity and joy will open to you.