Voices…Which One to Listen to

I  had a companion inside me that was so powerful that I believed in him and did just about anything he told me.   What he told me was different from everything else I was taught at home growing up or at church or school.

He told me I was special and that meant I could do whatever I wanted to do without consequences because of that. Others had to follow the rules, but not me. But I had to keep it a secret because all those other people out there would hurt me if they knew what I w as up to.

And what I wanted was SEX!  Any way, any time, with whoever I could take advantage of, whatever I had to say or do.  He told me it would be fun, that I was “entitled”, that why not – it wasn’t going to hurt me or anyone else – just a little fun!  All guys were doing it!

And for the next 40 years, I did it.  How could I not notice the pain I put myself and others through?  Relationships one after another ending in disaster, incredible misery, night after night of one night stands. And still I believed!  There was no doubt I was out of my mind, insane. Everyone saw it, knew – only I didn’t catch on.

Until the last catastrophe, pain I never felt before, threatening my life, my career, my guilt and shame exploding out of me. And another voice talked to me – a different, softer voice…”omigod! I am a sex addict! And the voice kept talking to me – thru all the pain and seemingly endless suffering. That voice gently guided me to a therapist, to 12 Steps, to a sponsor.

It’s been over 3 1/2 years of sobriety now, the salvation of a wonderful relationship, a new joy in working and living. When that voice speaks, no matter what other voices are screaming at you – listen to it. That’s your Higher Power, saving you, saving me, from ourselves. And a different life of wonder, clarity and joy will open to you.

3 thoughts on “Voices…Which One to Listen to

  1. The voices we listen to can lead us to misery or joy. Life or Death. The voice’s in our head can define us, destroy us, revive us and release us from whatever we needed freedom from. Today I heard the old voice come back and tell me that I needed to act out. It told me that its not a big deal, it’s been awhile since you’ve had sex so why not. It’ll be fun and you have the means, motive and opportunity.
    I recognized that voice very well and I entertained the thought for hours. I let the voice take over my mind and put me back in the same routines. However I didn’t give in to it’s demands. I just let it run around and spin like waiting for a child to tire out and fall to the ground. Why did I do this? Because I already knew what was going to happen. I’ve already seen the results and actions of the choice of acting out. I can visualize everything because I’ve done this before while I was active in my addiction. First, I saw myself making the call, awkwardly setting the appointment to see the escort. then finding an excuse to leave the house (lying), going to the bank, driving to the hotel, calling the girl again, waiting, walking through the hotel lobby with my paranoia and heart racing, going into her room, small talk, payment, undressing separately, her naked body on the bed in a position she tolerates, me complying, the mechanical intercourse, transactional orgasm, getting dressed, leaving the hotel, and driving back home to be the same broken person I was before I saw her, which changes nothing. It doesn’t matter how hot she is or how much money you’ll give or what she’s willing to do, it doesn’t change anything. It’s exactly the same, the lust is the same (insatiable) the loneliness is the same (crushing) the shame and hollowness after the act is the same. So what is the point? Why listen to a voice that gives you the same wrap over and over again? For me it was because of fatigue, physical, emotional, and mental. I broke down so my addict sprang to the opportunity and I was to tired to resist. But in this case the best action is no action. Simply be, and then the voice fades or changes its tone but you can handle it. Becasuse as long as you listen but don’t head, hear but not follow, you will survive and you’ll stay sober, one day at a time…

  2. Great topic to discuss on: “Voices…Which One to Listen to”. I notice that I have made it so hard for myself b/c this concept of “Which One to Listen” has hurt me so bad. I believe myself to be an intelligent person & really appreciate being challenged mentally. The addict in me has “F’d” me over on this for a very long time. The good in me my addict has made very good use of. This has repeatedly put me in a place of taking back control & not really seeing this. My work ethic, strong will natured was what I thought is needed to win in recovery & although there is truth to this I believe for me there is a thin line that I could not see where applying my work ethic, discipline really meant, for me, applying my strong will, which in turn means taking control. Although I would seek to apply these things for recovery I would take back control & fall on my face time & time again & it hurts so bad. I feel like I have been just spinning my wheels. I don’t think I know how to differentiate from the two of surrender & my will when it comes to applying my strengths such as discipline, work ethic. I believe when I apply my strengths it inadvertently means Reggie is getting it done which is not surrendering. Because of this simple but complex concept I have struggle which voice to listen to b/c these voices mislead me & cause me sincere pain. I am hoping & praying for revelation minute by minute…

  3. I definitely identify with that voice telling me that going to the massage parlors was not going to hurt me. I made the money, and it wasn’t hurting anyone. I deserved it. In the end, though, it did not make me feel better about myself. It only fed my addiction, and made me lie to my wife and put my family at risk. My wife and daughter have been the center of my life for the last 12 years, and it seems so insane now that I was willing to give that up for a few minutes of pleasure. I feel i am in a much better place now, even though it has only been less than 2 months. Medication definitely helps with the compulsive urges. Also, talking with my therapist and the support of the meetings have helped as well. The urges even at their worst only last a few minutes. I agree with andrew in taking no action when that voice is telling me to give in. It will pass quickly and I can make calls or realize what i would be giving up by acting on it. My wife is still very nervous about a relapse but i feel hopeful.

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