Coming In From The Shame

One of the things that has amazed me the most is, how cruel our disease is,THANK GOD for recovery. Once I recognized I was an addict, I was so grateful I finally had found a group that understood me. I wasn’t judged, I wasn’t looked at as if I
was the devil’s pawn. I was welcomed into a fellowship with open arms. Sex
addiction is one of the most heinous of all the addictions. It rips out your
soul, it tramples your self esteem, and it leaves you emotionally bankrupt. I can’t
say enough about S.A.A.  A family of fellowship that embraces me spiritually,
psychologically and emotionally. S.A.A. has made the difference in my life. I’m
so grateful for my fellowship. The best part is all I have to do is remember
that it’s just one day at a time. I hope everyone enjoys this blog as much as I
do and finds peace and serenity in its words. God bless you all on your
journeys.

36 thoughts on “Coming In From The Shame

  1. I have been in recovery for almost three years. I started to work the steps in A.A. during my first year of recovery and made it as far as step 5. It was clear that I was not ready. The chaos was still present and I needed to hit one more bottom. It was not until I came to the rooms of S.A.A. that I was finally able to identify fully who I was. Yes, I was a drug addict, yes I was a workaholic, yes I was a co-addict, but first and foremost I was a sex addict. Sex addiction ran my life for more than 25 years taking me to places that nearly killed me and getting me addicted to drugs. Through the grace of God I came into recovery and through the not so coincidental series of events I was given the right therapist, found the right home group, got the right sponsor, and started working the steps again. Now 2 1/2 years into my recovery I am finally able to see the insanity of my life for what it was and I am finally able to put together time free from obsession and compulsion of addictive behavior. My life is no longer run by my addiction. I have a long way to go, but I have come a long way. And I did not get here on my own. Left to my own devices I would be most likely dead, but certainly destitute, with no friends or family and surviving on drugs and sex. That is not my life today. Today I have my higher power, my sponsor, my home group, and therapist to help me along the way. I look forward to this next year of slowing down and working the rest of my steps in serenity and growing as a healthy recovering adult as I continue on this journey.

    • The problem for me was I that I was NOT ashamed. I was so turned around that I took pride in my sexual prowness, I built a seperate identity of myself around it. I made up for lack of coinfidence and self esteem by channeling what my partners told me into a false sense. It did not serve me well. It kept me from focusing on other areas of my life. My addiction was my escape. What I am realizing is that shame or lack of shame can be a useful in examining where I came from and where I want to go.
      I am grateful for this program and the insight I have gained.
      Work in Progress

  2. One day at a time is often THE most difficult thing to remember. I too am grateful for the fellowship of S.A.A., I thought being a woman openly admitting to an addiction to sex and not relationships/people, I thought for sure I was going to be judged. Thank God I am not judged, simply accepted exactly how I am at that very moment. I am also grateful for an additional tool in recovery, this blog. Thank you so much.

    • I’ve been reminded tonight how wonderful the fellowship is. I’m headed off to Atl to see my wife and son. I was feeling lonely and a bit out of place since its Friday and always look forward to the Friday night meeting go to. Already missing it. But just like clockwork – knowing that I needed it somehow – three of my brothers called me and I noticed that my sponsor had called this morning. At this moment – I feel so grateful. I’m looking forward to seeing my wife and son, but it brings back memories and tremendous amounts of guilt and sadness. Not a good thing for me emotionally. But knowing that I’m not alone, makes a huge difference. I’m sure more than they know. I’m reminded of that “oldie goldie” – “Lean On Me”. Thanks brothers for being there for me to lean on! And thanks for allowing me to be transparent and and open book, and still accepting me. You guys rock!

  3. As I near the end of this year I thought it might be good to go back to the beginning of this blog and see how it all started. I am grateful that it is hear to allow to express myself and to share. I am grateful that this program is here because it has allowed me to have a life that is becoming what it has always been meant to be. I have come in out of the shame. I did not realize that shame was at the basis of my disease but I was ashamed of who I was. I let shame drive my life and it fueled my disease. Today it does not have to be that way. Yes, I may still have a slip. But the difference today is that I have honesty instead of shame. I call my sponsor and I tell him what happened. I want no secrets today. I want nothing to keep me sick. I want only health an recovery. Shame Shame go away, come again another day…. No wait – Never come again – BE GONE FOR GOOD!!!!

  4. Come in from the shame…. I think my shame is much greater than it was 15 months ago when I first came to the SAA rooms. I get caught in the should, coulda, woulda’s I should know better etc…

    A fellow in recovery just this afternoon told me to “come in from the rain” that the rooms of SAA are for all sex addicts…. my feelings of shame are so great I really don’t know how I am going to put my foot through the door again…. guess it is good to know that it is there if I am able/willing to ask for the help/guidance to get my foot in that door again…..

  5. Shame. It’s a daily battle for me. Taking responsibility for what my addict did has been difficult and even though I’ve accepted it, the pain of knowing that I hurt my family (especially my wife) is at times unbearable. At first when I got caught I contemplated suicide but thanks to my higher power, the SAA Fellowship and the friends I’ve made there, I quickly found the one thing that changed my life….HOPE.
    Hope to make amends, hope to forgive myself and hope that by working the program I’ll be forgiven. It does work if you work it and the emotional rollercoaster can be challenging but I see the changes in me and I like what I see. The shame is still there but now I know what it takes to get past it.

    • It’s incredible to look back at my share 2.5 years later and recognize the gift that SAA has given me. Although the transformation continues, the shame does become grace and more importantly the promises are coming true. I have a life of honesty, integrity, honor and the freedom they provide. It does work if you work it but vigilance is the key for me. I continue to go to meetings, call my Sponsor, connect with other members and nurture my relationship with my HP. G-d bless SAA.

      • I looked up the word shame and the roots of the word are thought to come from “to cover”. When I am in active addiction, I feel remorse, regret, guilt, and I go into shame. I want to hide from the world. Recovery for me is to leave the covers behind and to surrender to a new way of life. I leave my covers behind as I share my struggles with my program peers, sponsor, and state my condition at a I meeting “My name is ___, I am a sex addict”.

        Through surrender, I receive grace. And I have been told that grace is freely given and cannot be earned. This idea works for me, because as long as I remember that my sobriety comes from my HP and not by my own efforts, it keeps me humble and my EGO out of the way. Today I am grateful to be part of a fellowship of men and women that share a common struggle and a common solution (recovery from sex addiction).

  6. I have been spending a lot of time this past week with newcomers that have less than one month sobriety. I have heard some of their stories and I have shared some of mine. In so doing I can hear some of their fears about what to do and shame about what they have done. I am so happy to be able to carry the message to them. However, what is so great even more than that is to sit there and realize where I am in my program. To realize that I have no fear or shame about where I came from, to realize that I can look at my past and learn from it, not regret it, nor shut the door on it, but just know that it is there and know that I never want to go back, but always move forward from it. I know that without my past I would not be the person that I am today. Without those lessons I would not be where I am today. Without that pain I might not have found the solution that I found today. So I am grateful for everything that has happened so far. And I am grateful for this program which keeps me living a life of healthy behaviors.

  7. Before entering the door of SAA my shame had reduced my self esteem to nil. I feel this low self esteem led me to lie to people. I would do anything to try and get my self esteem back. I based my self esteem on how people viewed me. I felt that if I could look good in front of someone then I would gain self esteem. I would say whatever I thought they wanted to hear so that I would look good in front of them.

    Sometimes that meant accepting to do things that I didn’t really want to do. It felt good to make someone happy. There’d be a moment of feeling happy, and then the regret and burden of realizing that I had more stuff to do now. When it came to completing the task I’d do it at half measure and be resentful about it.

    Other times I would lie, especially if I had been caught doing or not doing something. With my self esteem low already, there was no way I wanted to look bad, so I would lie, to cover up whatever it was. To be caught would mean the other person would be disappointed in me. For me that would have reduced my self esteem further. To lie would have me save face and at least keep the little amount of esteem I had. Then my life would become trying to cover up that lie, or at least buy some time to hopefully complete it before the lie was found.

    All these controlling strategies put pressure and burden on me, resulting in my self esteem getting less and less over time, which would encourage me to accept to do things or lie even more. Hence, the vicious cycle was complete.

    Now, having stepped into the room, with the help of my fellows, my sponsor and my higher power, my focus has shifted to being proud of who I am and doing things that make me proud. It’s a daily mantra that has me take each moment with a commitment to myself and my sobriety. It’s a simpler life where I don’t have to strategize as much. My self esteem is building and manageability is returning. It’s not easy, though, when I do make myself proud it is an awesome feeling that I want to repeat again and again.

    Thank you for listening.

  8. My greatest fear about my disease is that people would find out about what I do behind closed doors, what thoughts run through my head. When I objectify a pretty woman and she sees my eyes glaring at her, I turn away in shame wondering what does she think of me now. And that feeds my anger therefore my addiction.
    Coming to seek recovery in SAA is simple but not always easy. One can be triggered to want a drink but if they are not near a bar, they have time to think and the emotion driving the urge may give way to saying that was close. Our disease is a disease that can be triggered by thought, and what we may need to satisfy it is an empty bathroom with the risk of getting caught. There is shame in that but our marker chips say from Shame to Grace. I choose grace today.

  9. Define shame. Is it the feeling inside that masquerades as guilt when you look at your wife after a relapse? Is it the way you avert the eyes of the next “client” at the massage parlor? Is it the feeling you get as you walk in the door of the bordello, yet refuse to turn away? Or does it predate all of these and refer to the issues you brought, through no fault of your own, into your adult life from your youth? I don’t even understand the word but I know fully that I would feel it if my “neighbors” knew the insides of me rather than the outsides.

  10. One day at a time… so simple, yet so hard. I have struggled with disease for years, as recovery has not come easily to me. I do want to recover, and I do know that I am a sex addict. I don’t deny that.

    I am thankful for this program, and group. I am thankful that every time I walk in, and take a white chip I am not judged , or even worse ridiculed for my past failures. I will keep coming back, b/c I know that I don’t stand a chance in life without recovery, which for me can only come from these rooms, as well as a spiritual connection. For all of my failings in staying sober… I have 1. Been honest 2. Kept coming back.
    I love that there is HOPE …. HOPE is what keeps me going, and wanting to fight, and be in this. I feel good right now, as I type these words… just like when I go to a meeting. I always feel better after a meeting.

  11. I found out I was a sex addict in late July, 2009. The insight was powerful and overwhelming. My initial thought was how could I not have SEEN this in myself! How could I have not KNOWN! Now I know about impaired thinking and not being able to recognize the reality or the enormity of our problem. The shame for me comes from knowing that what I did was wrong, and from the lying that comes from trying to cover up. As I strive for truth, I feel that the shame will come under control I don’t know whether wanting to eliminate the acting out, or the desire to be truthful comes first. Maybe it doesn’t matter. It’s easy to tell the truth if you have nothing to lie about!

    I have been ashamed to be the person with a secret life – now I want to live in the open, and be the person that I truly want to be.

  12. I have been in this program for a little over a year, and as of today I have 48 hours of sobriety. That statement alone causes me to feel shame. I have been living in my addiction for the past three to four months. Lying to my wife, my family, my therapist, and my fellow SAA members, but most importantly to myself. I know I am a sex addict, yet I believed I could control the disease.

    My wife caught me in my addiction a couple of days ago. Talk about shame! She threw me out of the house, and I had to move in with my mother, and explain to her why. More shame.

    I am an addict, and if I do not get help through this program this disease will kill me. I have heard this same statement from many members, and today it rings true for me. Maybe that means I have finally turned down the path to help myself.

    Today I sat in therapy with my wife. After a year of therapy, we are back at square one.
    The word shame cannot describe my anguish. However, I am committed to my recovery. I was not before. She has agreed to give me one last chance. Honestly, I probably don’t deserve it, I can’t believe she can even look at me. It won’t be easy, but I am turning myself over to the program. It is the only chance I have to be whole, and it is my last chance to keep my family.

    Today, I have a new word…Hope.

  13. I’m new in the program and I’ve never even realized how much my life has been driven by shame. I am noticing that I have a ton of shame, and it surprises me because I wouldn’t have thought that a few weeks ago. But, as I start to review my life; my actions and my behaviors over time, I see there’s shame everywhere and also sex addiction.

    A few weeks ago, I didn’t even know I was a sex addict, but now, as I look back, I can see things in my life all the way back to when I was a kid.

    I’m twelve days sober right now and finding it hard to stay away from my addictive behaviors… I’m doing it, but just barely sometimes. So many thoughts, fantasies, ideas, etc… They are like old friends calling to me… wanting me to come back and play.

    I’m trying to remember that feeling of hope I had when I went to my first meeting and realized that this was my problem and also my solution.

  14. This is a good topic for me today and I am going to add a little to it. I am going to call it coming in from the shame and the fear because my life was run by shame and fear. Well, today it is not. Today I face things head on. And I am not even sure if that is the right way to say it. Today I live life on life’s term’s. I accept things as they are and I work with them. I don’t try to control then. And today I can take care of myself and know what that means. And as a result I have a freedom about me that I can live my life how I want and have a healthy relationship with myself and with others. All of this is possible because I came in from the shame and the fear. Today I received a call from my brother who has not been talking to me for 4 years. A couple years ago, even a few months I may not have answered the phone out of fear of what he might want to say to me or how I would feel talking to him. Today I answered it. I answered it because I had nothing to fear. I knew that no matter what he said it would have no impact on how I felt about me. I knew that if he started to abuse me all I had to do was hang up. IT felt good to not be afraid of him. That is a feeling that I have not had if years. And that is not about him, that is about the growth in me. Because whatever power he had over me, I gave him. I was so empty inside that I allowed other people to take over and run me to my final detriment. Well all of that is behind me now. I can look ahead to a great future and today I can look at a great day because that is all the matters is right now

  15. Shame, such a stark word. I felt totally worthless, not necessarily for what I did but for who I thought I was. Shame was always waiting for me after I acted out. I wanted to evaporate.
    Sharing in the rooms, listening to others share, working the steps, making phone calls, doing service and helping others are a few of the things that have helped me come in from the shame. I now try to live in the honest light of recovery gathering my dignity in peace.

  16. I have thirteen days sober today. I can see that shame makes me very reactive. I get this knee-jerk reaction with people that makes me get nasty, attack people verbally, further embarass myself. People seem to see my deficits and lacks and respond to me so weird, which frustrates me. That causes me to back away and isolate, which just keeps me stuck. I didn’t get what was going on – that it starts from shame. I’m really not seeing this very clearly yet. Thanks for sharing what shame’s about.

  17. I’ve got thirteen days today – against a lifetime of acting out. I wonder just how big the shame I feel is. I’m just learning that I get really reactive, nasty, verbally attacking, further embarrassing myself when I feel shame. Then I pull away from the person, shut the door with them. Isolate a little more and my planet gets one smaller and the ocean of shame gets bigger. It’s hard for me to imagine a solution, but I feel like I came to the right place (for a change) to start recovery.

  18. I want to keep an open mind. I don’t want to get stuck in my head or in my ideas or my judgments. I don’t want to walk away or isolate or resent. I want to be sober and I want to be part of the fellowship that got me sober. I need to share on this blog because it helps me stay sober. I think I am going to do what my sponsor has suggested to so many others and start at the first post and go from there as opposed to popping around and finding a topic on which to share.

    I came in from the shame 3 years ago when I had nowhere else to go. This is where I came. I felt like I was in the right place. I knew I was as soon as I walked in the door. That is why this place is so important to me and I get so passionate about it. I led a life of acting out and shame based secrets. Today my life is different. I still have a lot of work to do. However, life is completely different than it was 4 years ago and I have grown a lot. I need to remember what blessings I have and how I can be of service to others. And I need to keep working my steps so that I can continue to be of service to others and to my Higher Power and to myself. This was actually a perfect topic for me tonight. Funny how that works.

  19. So here I am again. But I feel good right now about where I am. I hate that I have to experiment but I always figure something out when I do. What I continue to learn is that acting out is not the answer. It does not make me feel better about me. It continues to propel me into isolation and unmanageability two things which I hate and want to stay away from. As I get further away from my last acting out I can feel the calmness coming back and the peace coming back and I like it. I need to work my program more and more and put it first. It is something that I have done before and I can do it again. This program saved my life and has given me so much to be grateful for and I cannot forget that.

  20. Coming in from the shame…so true of how heinous this addiction is! It robs you of your soul, it robs you of your freedom, it robs you of a simple smile!!! It is a devilish tool! The rooms of SAA are miracles! They bring acceptance, comfort, love & encouragement! Almost everything we sought after with our sexual behaviors. There is no other place…not even our spouses (initially) where we can truly come from shame to grace other than SAA. So magical the power of SAA. I am forever grateful!

  21. From shame to grace. I think I am just beginning to understand what those words really mean. If I look back at my life two years from today, I can honestly say I was hopeless. I had no solution and it was a dark time of insanity. It took me a long time to get here to the SAA program. Today I can go to a meeting and say “I am a sex addict”. Instead of feeling shame, I feel serenity, peace, and acceptance. Today I have a shot at living a good life. I have a long way to go, but all I have to do today is not act out and make it to a meeting. If I can do that, then I am ahead of the game.

  22. The shame created by the choices I was making in my addiction was so complex, multi-faceted and comprehensive. The shame of knowing what I was planning to do was wrong, and doing it anyway. The shame of believing I was a normal, good person, only to watch myself identify a weak woman with a “broken wing” (usually emotional trauma or loneliness) and begin the process of “grooming” her for the time when I could act out with her…comiserating with her pain, “being there” for her when she needed someone to talk to, telling her everything I knew she wanted to hear – all a lie in order to use her to satisfy my addiction. The shame of raging judgmentally against those who cheat on their spouses and break up families while cheating on my spouse and breaking up my family and cheating with other people’s spouses and breaking up their families. The shame of acting out while watching others do the most shameful, degrading things as my addiction to pornography progressed from “standard” porn to anything and everything imaginable. The shame of including other sex addicts in my acting out behaviors (particularly those who didn’t know it yet), not caring that I was contributing to their addiction, only that I satisfy the craving of mine. The shame that wouldn’t let me look my family, friends (although, as my addiction progressed I had less and less friends) and co-workers in the eye because it whispered to me, “if they knew who you really were, and the things you’ve done and are doing, they would never speak to you again.” The shame that convinced me that I was so worthless, so “sick”, so perverted, so “far gone” that even if God could, there was no way God would love me, care about me or help me overcome my addiction.
    Only one thing was able to make me put aside my shame and begin the process of recovery…the very same addiction that created my shame. My addiction progressed everytime I went back out. I hit bottom after bottom. When I was sure I had hit “the” bottom, I would go further in my addiction and hit another more terrifying and terrible bottom. Finally, my addiction took me to a place so terrifying that all I could think was, “I don’t care how much shame I feel, I don’t care what it takes or what I have to give up, I’m going to find help.” I attended my first SAA meeting three days later.
    The greatest antedote to the poison of my shame is when another sex addict lays his or her shame before a group in a meeting. As I watch and listen to another sex addict bear their shame to a group of other sex addicts – magic happens. There is no judgment, no shaming, no rejection or reprisal…instead, there is love, compassion, understanding, identification and acceptance. People who were once sexual predators of every type and were incapable of not using others for their own gratification, regardless of the consequences, now give of themselves and their love and compassion to others bound by shame.
    It took my addiction beating me into the ground to humble me enough to reach out to God and others for help to come out of my shame. It is my God working through those same others (other sex addicts in recovery) that my shame is turning into love and acceptance of myself, others and the world.

    • Shame… Shame requires feeling and acting out made damn sure I did not feel. Then once in recovery there were just so many other feelings the shame just never seemed to surface. I had a ton of guilt, I had anger for sure out the wahzoo… I was really really angry which really means I was actually terrified.

      About two weeks ago I ran into an ex acting out partner. But he was more than that, not to me but to my husband. He was his bestfriend, he was the best man at our wedding. I chased this man like prey, he was nothing more than a rabbit and I the hawk. He did not even ‘want’ to act out with me I ‘talked’ him into it. Well he was one of three men that my husband found out about. A very small percentage of the actual amount of men I acted out with.

      Well as I said I ran into him at a drug store after midnight when I was getting milk for my children’s breakfast. He approaches me, I did not even see him. First thing he says, “Does your husband know where you are?” At that moment for the first time in addiction AND recovery I felt shame. Complete and overwelming shame. It is still tugging at me, the difference is I have my tools firmly in place. Luckily I have the support of other addicts in recovery around the clock and I made a phone call, I prayed and I did not ‘cycle’ myself into acting out again.

      Come in from the shame…. I came in from the insanity, the chaos, the hurt and tears… but by coming in i was given the gift of feelings and if shame is one of them I accept that as a price for having the gift of joy, contentness, gratitude and serenity.

  23. From Shame to Grace. If only I had known how easily that worked.

    Three years ago, I finally admitted that I was powerless to an addiction I didn’t understand. I had believed that it was something I could control. I thought I wasn’t trying hard enough to stop. I thought my wife was being a little unreasonable. Well, then she was just my girlfriend- not even my fiance yet. Was pornography that big of a deal? Did I have a problem?

    After one too many “I’m sorry”‘s, “I’ll never do it again”‘s, “please give me another chance, I’ll get it together”‘s, words weren’t enough and I watched my wife leave in the backseat of her best friend’s car. I knew that something wasn’t right. There was a reason why I could not keep her from leaving, why I could not stop myself from repeating my mistakes over and over and breaking my promises and her heart over and over. Being by myself in our apartment never felt like it did at that moment. There was an emptiness greater than I had ever experienced in my life. I realized that I needed help. Action was required if I was going to save my relationship. But more than that, action was required if I was going to save myself because this was obviously one thing I could not do on my own.

    I would find help in a church named Grace. The irony is not lost on me. Amazing Grace… that hymn permeated my childhood and here I was living it. I was lost and I was blind. I took that first step towards sanity after Sunday Service. I don’t remember anything that was said during sermon. I don’t even remember getting up that morning and going to church. But I will always remember what happened because I did. I went up to the pastor after service and told him, “I have a problem. I am addicted to pornography and I don’t know what to do.” It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

    My addiction brought me to my first S.A.A. room last October. I had everything to lose and almost did. If not for program. If not for my Higher Power. If not for support I would find from fellow addicts. If not for my wife. Today I face my addiction with understanding that had escaped me for three years in recovery and all the ones prior. That it is something beyond my control. That no matter how hard I could try, it wouldn’t be enough. That my wife was well within reason. And that I would find peace and serenity admitting that I do indeed have a problem.

    And that is a first of these certain steps I’ve been hearing about. And if I want the promises they provide, I must work for them. So that’s what I will do.

    • A year ago I committed to this program like I had never been able to commit to anything else in my life. Honestly, I am in shock over how much one year of serenity, and sobriety, has done for me. It’s overwhelming how much gratitude I have for the program, my sponsor, my fellowship, and all the group meetings. It has taken quite a long time, but today I can reflect on my past and truly say how I am coming in from the shame. Presenting my first step tonight has been a long time coming. A long time of holding onto events and memories of shame, powerlessness, and unmanageability. I let go of them all and accept them for what they were, a product of unhealthy thinking and feeling. I will no longer bear the burden of my shame on my soul. It is freeing to admit what I hid within myself for so long. And this admission is only the 1st Step? It feels amazing NOW. How excited I am for the Promises to continue to strengthen and materialize as the rest of the steps are worked.

  24. Shame was one of thr greatest locks that my addiction had on me. I was locked into a cycle of guilt and shame that kept me returning over and over to the very things I despised. My “runners” were built upon shame. I acted out, felt shame, acted out more, felt more shame, and etc until I had enough and decided to try and beat my addiction again. Ha how naive I was. My shame is being stripped away with every meeting I go to, every phone call made, and every post I read. I felt shame for doing things that were unnatural and which normies would think of as wierd and disgusting. But when I am in the rooms and surrounded by people with my addiction, I begin to feel comfortable. I hear stories similiar to mine and I relate. I begin to feel apart of the group and am daily feeling my shame lift as I realize that I am not alone. I am working my program with other respectable, loving, and caring people.

  25. Ya know, 3 years and 4 months of on again mostly off again sobriety, and here I am coming in again, kicking and screaming mind you. I’m either thinking I’m an “f’”ing arrogant prick” who thinks he’s not powerless like my shrink says or else I’m just giving up, resigned to die a pitiful death. Both lead to the same place and at the last moment I will definitely wish I hadn’t let it get this far, but no one knows when it is too late, thats the problem, thats why I’m coming in.
    So today I have a different view of shame. I share all of the common similar ones we all have, ashamed of the hurt I’ve caused other people and myself, and the missed opportunities in life that my acting out behavior has caused me, but I’m so lucky because my team forgives me and supports me. It’s now time to start supporting myself. I relinquish the shame of my addiction, tossed overboard ! What I really want to acknowledge is the shame of my true self, of who I really am and why I have been ashamed of the real me. So I’m coming in, I’m taking off the the cloak of my addiction that I used to conceal the real me and facing my demons head on. Its now or never and by the grace of G_D, it will be done.
    EDK

  26. The shame that I felt in my addiction was so encompassing, I really was baffled by simple things. My shame led to irritability, anger, acute bouts of depression and…more acting out. Now that I am in Fellowship, I am reading everyday and learning more and more about myself. I have always believed in God, but now I actually listen to him. I feel his Grace and everyday I turn my day over to His care. God says, “My ways are not your ways.” Thank goodness for that! I am seeking His will and putting back the pieces of my life. I do know serenity now.

  27. All I have to say is “thank god” for SAA and the ability to be around other individuals who understand the isolation, shame, and guilt that exists within this disease. Today, I came to the realization that my higher power is helping me and pleading with me to come back into the light of recovery. I am resisting it, dragging my feet, and convincing myself that I can handle my sex addiction alone. But, the problem is, I cannot do it alone. I live in my addiction alone and I live in my recovery with others. For this, I am very grateful.

  28. Shame fels awful, but in a way I am grateful for it. It was shame from being caught that I agreed to look into SAA. It was thru SAA that I realized I am an addict. Because before then, I denied it, thinking Injust had virility and could stop at any time. But that was not the case. I’m grateful for SAA, the tools, my sponsor, my God and my GF who have helped me get on and stay on the road to recovery. I’m already experiencing a better life. I’m not fully recovered, but I can tell I’m on the road. And it feels good!!

  29. I attended my first SAA meeting about 4 weeks ago and for the first time I felt accepted and understood. My shame went away when I realized I was no longer fighting this disease alone. I still feel shame from time to time some days worse than others but now I have support, a sponsor, meetings and fellow members I can reach out to. All of these help me feel better and focus on my recovery. I am so very grateful for all the help I have received and continue to receive in my recovery from this disease. Letting go of the shame and anger at my self is very hard to do because I have been so ashamed of my actions for so many years, but with SAA I am getting better

  30. I realized at the very first meeting i attended that my shame was mine and that no one in that room made me feel shamed . I also realized that these were not a group of crazy people but people just like me that shared an illness and sought help . Help is in these meetings in the form of helping find your higher power .My shame is slowly being replaced with confidence and excitement that recovery can help me see the world from a perspective that does not have ,lying and fantasy as its foundation but truth and Faith . I struggle to stay in the now on occasion i have made progress and its steady my alternative is probably death so it seems like the choice is a no brainer .
    Addiction is a master of disguise just when i think i recognize a trigger and prepare myself for battle ,another insidious trigger is created .only through working the steps ,maintaining my relationship with a higher power and constant vigilance will addiction be reduced to a minor weak echo .

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