Step Nine…The Healing

Here we are at step nine, a place of making peace with those we have harmed. The real question is how do we address those we’ve harmed so long ago and who it would bring harm to them if we contacted them. We don’t contact them. I have so many people that I will never contact. The difference is there are those who I made direct amends too. These were my living amends. My wife was one. It was difficult in the beginning to think about giving an amends to her because of all the pain I have caused her. But I learned that this was not the case. Once I began with the amends it got easier to complete. Her response was so compassionate it made me cry. Doing amends is not for just us, rather to heal the wound that has divided us from those we love or loved. I loved doing my ninth step once I got over the initial fear. This step is a very healing step.

7 thoughts on “Step Nine…The Healing

  1. I have shared frequently that I am on step one and have been for the last year. Well to be honest I have been working the trifecta of 1, 2, and 3 ever since I shared my first step with my home group. Recently I joined a step study group in another fellowship. I was quite resistant at first but now I am looking forward to going through the steps with other brother and sisters in recovery
    from sex addiction. Many of the people in my group have and will discuss love and relationship addiction which is not my primary issue but I am open to learn from them and start this healing process.

    I guess my point is even though I am not on the ninth step I made some huge progress this weekend. We went out of town to se my sister and her husband. For the past several years every time I see her husband there is just major conflict, I made a point this time to stay in the present and just keep my side of the street clean. I have to say this is one of the best trips I have had in a very long time. I am not sure if it is a living amends to this guy because I still think he is an ass but I did not feel the need to share it loud and clear this time. I just simply kept it to myself.

    One of the other things that is very significant about this trip, is that two years ago we went on this same trip but my husband had just discovered the depth of my addiction and he keep it to himself until we arrived home. Monday will be an anniversary for me, anniversaries are always hard for me happy ones or difficult ones. He told me he loved me and he told me to find help. I went to a therapist immediately but it took me another year to find the rooms of SAA. Yet over the course of these past two years my husband has not wavered. He loves me in a way I have never experienced and my addict would just not let me believe that was real. I have not made any kind of formal disclosure or amends to him yet but I try everyday to be as honest as I can about that day, to care for our children and learn to love and cherish myself as much as husband and sons unconditionally love me.

    I thank God everyday for allowing me to keep my family. I know I am only a slip away from losing them.

  2. I too am not at Step Nine yet, but it does not mean that I cannot work on living my life to the best of my ability to make living amends to those around me. That is all I can do right now. I know that I will get to the point where I have to make my actual amends. But right now I can work my program and do the next right thing and by turning my life over to my Higher Power, my life can be different today. And others can see how different it is and that is the start of the amends process. I never made an official amends to my father, but I believe that I was able to make a living amends to him through the program. I am grateful for what this program has given me and look forward to what it will continue to give me and what I can give back to it.

  3. Over these past couple weeks I have been working on my Step 9. It has been an interesting process. In preparing for Step 9 I was able to revisit a lot of my past and my behaviors and really see my part and how insane, crazy and selfish I was. This step is allowing me once again to see how far I have come in these past four years since I have been in recovery. However, I have also had another interesting outcome. This process has allowed me to see where my relationships are with a lot of the people in my life or in my past life. Relationships that I might have thought had something to them really have nothing much left and some others have really amazed me with how much is there. I have been able to see where I am in my world right now and it helps. It helps me see things so clearly. It helps me really move on. It helps me not think about what used to be but think about what is right now and what great things are yet to be with the life I have now. Yes, this process has had its moments of fear for me. However, I worked through them and so far it has been good. I am not sure what will become of the relationship with my brother, but with that only time will tell. I know that I have reached out 3 times and am ready. It does make me sad that there is no response, that there is no interested on the other end. But I cannot let that affect me. My life is good today and I am doing what I need to do. Step 9 has been a good experience and I look forward to completing it soon.

  4. Step 9 – This should say “Feeling, then Healing” Anyway, that is how it is working for me. This step has been all about feelings and then going through healing. The feelings I have already talked about. The feelings came up during Step 8 and also somewhat in the amends process. Plus there were some unexpected feelings that came up as I actually progressed through the step. However, what I am seeing is that the healing is what comes after. After going through all the feelings I can process them and on the other side of the feelings, emotions and sometimes overwhelming feelings, is the process of healing. The process of letting go of the past and realizing where I am in my life and in my recovery. Realizing where my place is right now. Yes, I can be sorry for what I have done, make my amends, heal and move on and live the life that I am meant to live. And for this process I am grateful. Because it is allowing me to become the person that I am meant to be. I love this program and I love the steps. And I am grateful to my sponsor and my Higher Power for guiding me and protecting me these past few years as I have grown and progressed through my recovery. And I pray that I continue moving in the right direction one more day, one day at a time.

  5. Like some of the others, I haven’t reached Step 9 yet, but the concept of making amends – I’m already learning. First, I have to make amends to my girl friend, who took the brunt of all the pain I caused. Learning how to reassess my own feelings that led me to act out in the first place, and then realize that they were only an excuse to do what I wanted, and then to try to make up for the pain caused by this insane behavior, realizing that I was insane….that’s an eye-opener. The best amend I can make here is to help rebuild trust and love by using the 12 steps as a guide to being an authentic, honest and compassionate person. Step 3 lets me turn the “how” over to God, and Step 9 tells me what needs to be done when I act in an appropriate and loving way. I pray that my H.P. will show me the how and the why.

    Second, the damage that I did to my children during their growing years, it is difficult to see how amends can be made for all the neglect and pain I caused them. Honesty is the first amend, followed by true feelings of remorse, love and a commitment to creating a true, genuine relationship of love and trust with them. They deserve no less than this from me, and I need to offer it to them and hope they can accept it. God help us all.

  6. I’ve been TRUDGING through my step 8 and I am almost at the finish line, but I can’t seem to produce the willingness to push through and finish. One Day at a Time, the days are passing. And this step 9 is a MUST. I love a story that is in a recovery book, that describes the 9th step.

    The Addict is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says SOBRIETY is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, “Don’t see anything the matter here Ma. Ain’t it grand the wind stop blowing?”

    The longer I prolong Step 9 and drag my feet on Step 8, I am like the Farmer. I may not have the opportunities tomorrow to make amends that I have today. Also, I may have stopped “Acting Out”, but my “Character Defects” are alive and well. the wind hasn’t stop blowing. Its as SIMPLE program, but experience is teaching me that it isn’t EASY.

  7. After reading this post today and only being on step 4 I wasn’t sure what I could say. But then it occurred to me that what I am doing right now is making amends to myself for all the hurt and pain I have caused me living in my addiction for so long. Admitting I was powerless and my life had become unmanageable was the first step to healing me. Then coming to belive that a higher power could restore me to sanity because my attempts did not work. Then turning my will over to God allowing him to take control of all of me and guide me. And now making a searching and fearless inventory of myself have all been things that have taught me I am worthy of my own love, I can forgive myself for all I have done and I am making amends to me. I know 9 may be hard. But in the end it will strengthen my recovery

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