“Hole vs Whole”…That is The Question

“Hole in the soul” heard it for a very long time but never really did grasp what it meant.  So I think I have an idea now what it means for me.  My soul is the truest purest essence of who I am as a human being.  It is that utter state of comfort, relaxation and contentness of exactly where I am.  As an addict, not only did I not welcome those feelings, I actively shunned them through my acting out behaviors.

My soul was like a strainer, all the good stuff was just pouring through and all the chunky, rough material you want to catch and throw away was left.  The more toxic thoughts, feelings and sentiments that covered my soul the more I would try to fill it up and more of the good stuff would just fall through and only the garbage would remain.

Without a doubt I can say recovery showed me that wholeness was possible.  Meetings to me are mirrors, looking glasses that I avoided my whole life.  I could not stand my own reflection, but once I entered the rooms I saw myself in every person that shared their story.  They told me I was not an awful person, I was not evil, and I was not unlovable.  I was told, “You are a sick person trying to get well, NOT a bad person trying to become good.”  I didn’t buy that for a long time but it did give me something to hold on to.

Wholeness is a process, I did not become fractured overnight, so putting “Humpty Dumpty all back together again….” was not going to happen overnight either.

6 thoughts on ““Hole vs Whole”…That is The Question

  1. This is a Great Post. I am struggling and when I struggle and I let toxic thoughts, ideas or actions in, I lose my SOULconnection or my connection to the true ME , my GOD and and members in the program. I create a BIG HOLE or VOID and want to keep filling it in with ADDICTIVE BEHAVIOR and thoughts .

    I really want to be WHOLE again. Live a life FREE and without FEAR. Be of use to my family, employer, people in the program. The way GOD probably intends me to be.

    I need to keep reminding myself that i am NOT ALONE. There are brothers and sisters like me who care about me. I am also not a BAD person. I am a really SICK person trying to get better.

    God help me. Thank you GOD and thank you SAA.

  2. Ok so now I feel as whole as I have ever felt. I have clarity, I have patience, I can delay gratification for the most part. Now that I have ownership on my side of the street. I am truly truly struggling with my marriage. I spent years falling on my sword thinking it was all me, all me. I was the one messed up. I made all the mistakes. Have I gone through this journey of the last 4 1/2 years to realize I will be a divorced woman anyway? I love that I am WHOLE…. I love that I am not reopenning my hole but this pain and torture is excruciating. God Grant me the…..

    • While I do still more whole then when I started this journey. I allowed myself to fall into the hole of addiction for the past 8 weeks. So glaring were my defects, selfishness, greed, lust, deceit. I am trying to be quieter, listen more. I am trying to remember humility. The most important part is I only have to do right now.

  3. Addiction is feeling separate from your own spirit — I believed that my body and it’s desires was all there was to life. This belief brought over 45 years of torment. Through the Steps, particular the quantum leap to try to believe there EXISTED an H.P. that could restore me to sanity, and also to lead me to JOY in living one day at a time, my life has improved immeasurably. Spirituality has replaced the belief in separateness with the connectedness of all life – the eternal, one life that we all must eventual return to, the Peace of God. However, it takes strength, honesty, and courage to stay sober, to not lie to yourself or others – and perfection is always elusive. I trip, fall, but God, through the Steps helps me get up and try again. I can’t forget the rocky path that saved my life, that made me sober and aware of our H.P. Thanks to my brothers and sisters and this program. Bless us all.

  4. I am still trying to fill the the void that i feel i have inside. The program has helped me realize that obsessive pornography and massage parlors were not the solution to my problem. Admitting my indiscretions has relieved a huge burden of shame and dishonesty but has also left me trying to understand my own emotions. I often feel empty and uncertain what I am feeling. These past few days, my addict has been really getting me off balance and casting doubt on the progress i have made. The good news is that these periods are becoming much less frequent, and i have been able to talk about them with my wife and my support system. As I work towards being whole, my hope is that I will no longer let my urges control me.

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