“Hole in the soul” heard it for a very long time but never really did grasp what it meant. So I think I have an idea now what it means for me. My soul is the truest purest essence of who I am as a human being. It is that utter state of comfort, relaxation and contentness of exactly where I am. As an addict, not only did I not welcome those feelings, I actively shunned them through my acting out behaviors.
My soul was like a strainer, all the good stuff was just pouring through and all the chunky, rough material you want to catch and throw away was left. The more toxic thoughts, feelings and sentiments that covered my soul the more I would try to fill it up and more of the good stuff would just fall through and only the garbage would remain.
Without a doubt I can say recovery showed me that wholeness was possible. Meetings to me are mirrors, looking glasses that I avoided my whole life. I could not stand my own reflection, but once I entered the rooms I saw myself in every person that shared their story. They told me I was not an awful person, I was not evil, and I was not unlovable. I was told, “You are a sick person trying to get well, NOT a bad person trying to become good.” I didn’t buy that for a long time but it did give me something to hold on to.
Wholeness is a process, I did not become fractured overnight, so putting “Humpty Dumpty all back together again….” was not going to happen overnight either.