In the last year, I’ve lost a friend to this heinous disease. He took his own life. It was a nightmare for him, his wife and 5 young children. He felt there was no way out. I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say the thought hadn’t crossed my mind a dozen or so times in my early years. However, there was feeling down deep in my heart that let me know that that way out was not the way I wanted to go. I wanted passionately to have a rich full life, full of love, laughter and joy. I wasn’t willing to let the disease zap all my faith in my God and the fact that every day that I followed His way of living brought me one step closer to the reality I so desperately seek.
Once I learned that I had a God given purpose and what that was all the world had changed in my views. The reality of doing the steps brought me closer to my God. I was no longer captive to my FEARS, RESENTMENTS or HARMS. I had God on my side and as long as I stuck close to Him, any and all dismay in my life had cease to control me. I had God I could turn over everything to. No matter what the issue He was there for me. He would show me other ways to think, live and help others and feel the joy of participating once again in life. So when there seems like there is no way out of our addiction, I always urge my sponsees to look to see where the relationship with the God of their own understanding is at. Are they near or far from, Him, Her, or It. The closer we are to that power the better our lives become. There is a way out of our disease. There is a solution. It’s in a power greater than ourselves as it states in the title of Chapter 2 in the AA Big Book. Know God, Know Peace – No God , No Peace. Choose wisely for God is free for all who seek Him, Her or It.
I am an addict, specifically, I am a Sex Addict. That doesn’t mean I’m bad person or that I always do the wrong thing. It doesn’t mean I’m a Sex Offender or a Rapist. Being a sex addict only means I have a sexual addiction. I am not my addiction. My addiction does not identify me, I identify it as a disease of mine. I use to believe that I was a terrible person, who did terrible things and for that I was a very bad person. I use to believe that my addiction identified me… I was this overly sexual person who hid in the shadows, lied, cheated and hurt those closest to me.
What recovery has taught me, through God’s grace, is that I have a disease that has a life of it’s own. One friend of mine explained it like having a ”bad roommate in my head.” That basically describes how I view “my addict” like a roommate who rents space in my head… When I see a beautiful woman, it sees a play toy. That’s not right. But I acknowledge the addict thinking in my brain. It has a mind of it’s own. Thank goodness today I don’t have to listen the voice in my head. It’s just a thought that I hear. Like all thoughts I hear in my head. The difference is these thoughts that my addict in my head tells me are ALWAYS lies. They are never the truth. They tell me I’m a bad person, I have no self-worth, no energy to stay in recovery. These are lies my addict wants me to believe. Thankfully, God has the POWER to relieve me of my addict thinking. I lets me know I’m loved, have self worth and I’m a good person that just has a disease. Just like a diabetic…I use the drugs that the doctor’s give me to put my diabetes into remission. Just like God has the POWER to keep my addiction in remission as well as long as I stick close to him and do His work by helping other addict throughout the day. Therefore I’m not my addiction. I’m a good human with a disease.