I’m in my eighth year of program and I marvel every day that this power, this great power surrounds me that I fondly call Papa. In the beginning of my journey my sponsor asked me to put aside what I was told about my religious upbringing and look at this Higher Power thing from a more spiritual angle. I’m glad he suggested that. I was a firm believer in this spiritual energy since I was sixteen and held it close to me through out my years. It wasn’t difficult for me to accept that this great power could restore me to sanity. That was how I began my journey of recovery.
With my Higher Power watching over me all my waking hours I know I’m not alone in the spiritual sense. “Papa” as I foundly call Him has shaped my life to the level it is at today. There have been tough times to go through when I refuse to listen to His suggestions and great times as He kept reassuring me that the path I was on was true and correct.
Thomas Edison once said, “If there’s a way to do it better…find it.” When I read that I heeded His message and worked at changing my life for the better. One hundred and eighty degrees in the opposite direction I was to go. I already knew the path I was on was not getting me any rewards I could be proud of and I knew that if I had the hope to rely on my HP, that He would and could change my life. Hence, my journey began.
When I first got into program, I was asked if I believed that my life was unmanageable and was I powerless over my disease. I thought about it a long time and reviewed my life…Well let’s see, I had gotten to watching porn every free moment I had, I was cross dressing and going to adult theaters to prostitute myself and I was doing dangerous drugs to intensify the high. Nah, I wasn’t powerless nor was my life unmanageable. Doesn’t every red blooded male act out this way? I couldn’t believe how far down the scale of sanity I had gone. I was totally insane. I truly thought that dressing up as a woman was my future. I thought that becoming a prostitute was my calling and having anonymous sex in the theater was to be my livelihood.
Where was my reality…? How rational was my thinking. My life had truly become unmanageable and I had no way of stopping myself from acting out. This was when I admitted that I powerless over my sex addiction and my life had become unmanageable. I had bills to pay, a room to clean, clients to do work for and all my mind could process was,”…where was my next high coming from? Fortunately for me, I hadn’t lost my job, I didn’t lose my marriage or contract any STD’s or worse yet, AIDS.
God had saw to it that I was to have a breakthrough emotionally, spiritually and psychologically and demanded that I start taking care of myself. Additionally, I was to spread the word of God and share with others the miracles that had kept me alive; all by His grace. Today, I understand that I’m only a second away from being brought back to the insanity if I’m not vigilant and keep my spiritual condition intact. My God, of my understanding, which has all power, wisdom and guidance to keep me free from my insanity, one blessed moment at a time. And for His grace I humbly pay for His love with actions that support the next addict, one addict at a time. Thank you Papa