“Each step of the program is a leap of faith” so it says in our big book. So true are these words. First we had to write down our moral inventory in step four, then we take another leap of faith and tell someone else about our wrongs while God listens in. Step five helps us relieve ourselves of our secrets and come into the light of God. We have unburdened ourselves of our wrong doings and finally become free from our isolation, our hiding out. We’ve outted ourselves. This proved to be a very powerful step for me. I no longer was hiding from the world. I had taken another leap of faith and brought God into my inner sanctum. I was allowing God’s will to work His magic on my now unburdened life. Not only did the fifth step acknowledge my wrong doings it also sheds light on the positive aspects of my character as well. Thus creating a balance in my world. I found out that doing my fifth step while not only being very rewarding also showed me my shortcomings as noted in step six. I really enjoyed the cleansed feeling after doing my fifth step and thank my sponsor for continuing to show me the path of sobriety. This step was a turning point in my recovery. I began the next day invigorated for life and a real sense of peace came over me. It was as if I was reborn anew, fresh to tackle life on life’s terms. It’s like I was taking back my life, but from a new beginning. A beginning with respect, honor and joy leading my day.
The one tool that has helped throughout my recovery has been an undying perseverance to stick to my goal of “going to any length,” and as a fellow addict once said, “no matter what.” This commitment to myself is as real as the skin on my body. I can’t separate the two. Recovery is an action, a process that takes uncommon will power to master. What I get in return is my life. Alive and kicking so grateful for just the beautiful sunrise I capture on a morning drive home from work. It’s coming upon my anniversary of my sobriety date which has caused me to reflect on the last year pasted. What went well, what I still have to learn about, but mostly what shows up for me is the incredible love that I get from the rooms. It is shared unburdened and unselfishly each and every week. I love the rooms and can’t thank God enough for putting them in my life. My brothers and sisters who persevere each for a new day, just for this day, these twenty four hours. The strength that brims over the edges with each share that passes by my ears. The stories that shape the day when I reflect upon their origins. The ideals that have helped me change my life for God’s good. I’m not the same person I was a year ago, I’ve grown. My recovery has grown. The path I follow is not of my own doing, but a greater good for my fellows. I can’t thank God enough for the support and love I have shared that has made me a better man. To all of you on your own journey with God’s love and grace I wish you all safe passage to your new life.
Step four was a very taxing step for me to go through. What I was being asked to do as not an easy job by any stretch of the imagination. I was told to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. Wow! I said you want me to do what? Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. Oh, you mean be honest about everything I’ve done that was underhanded, anger related, or fear based in my life and making a list. Well I was hard pressed to want to be that honest, but I knew I had to be rigorously honest for program to work. I tell you it takes courage to be that honest. I wasn’t scared to do this step, I was shameful of most of my activities that I did and regretted. My sponsor put it best when he told me to pray to God and ask for the willingness to do this step. I saw the light. It was about the willingness, to have the courage, to dig that deep into my past, to pull out the events that shaped my current condition. As I knew from the first three steps I had to be willing to go to any length to get my sobriety. This was just a continuation of the first three steps. Building blocks for the rest of my life. I declared myself worthy of the task and dived head first into the pool of reflections. I can say after doing my fifth step that the forth step gave me a sense of healing that I had never known before and am so grateful to have done. Sure it took time; it took looking deep inside myself to pull out the “stuff” I was made up of. What a sense of wellness when I was through. God bless you all who do your forth step, a rigorously honest forth step cause you’re worth it.
First and foremost I’m grateful for my relationship with my Higher Power whose gift of guidance leads me through each day. Next I’m grateful for my recovery, without which I would not even be alive to write these words. Third, I’m grateful for my life which God has spared, in order for me to do His will. Fourth, I am grateful for my wife, whose ever tender love and care warms my heart. Fifth, I am grateful for my health. Sixth, I am grateful for my wealth which shows up as God’s wisdom. Seventh, I am grateful for my “kids” and their ever lasting playfulness and unconditional love. Eighth, I am grateful for my house which is my castle and keeps me safe. Ninth, I am grateful for my job which brings security to my life and, Tenth, I am grateful for my friends and family which make me smile inside. These are the gifts and miracles that I celebrate each and every day as a reminder of my recovery. Thank you Papa for your love and support.
As I continued to work the steps, Step Three proved to be an interesting test of my faith. Faith in a power greater than myself as it was posed to me in Step Two. I was being asked to turn my will over to the care of God as I understood God. The God part I got, turning over my will posed a much greater test for me. I had always done things on my own. I was self reliant, so I thought. Since when did I rely on anyone else to do my bidding for me. No, I wasn’t going to get caught in a trap. I’d do it all on my own. The truth was that, that philosophy got me caught up in this mess. It was time to rely on something other than myself. What I needed was faith. So I figured I had nothing to lose and everything to gain if it worked. God knows my way didn’t work, I was a sex addict. So I tried turning things over to His care. First it was small things and then it was most things and then finally I realized that it could be all things as my faith had grown to the next level and I saw results. I saw miracles start to appear. Today, I turn stuff over to His care on a regular basis sometimes as many as tens times a day, and the burden is relieved from my heart. God bless you Papa, for it is your will, not mine, that I follow today.